I know, it's been a long time and few and far between otherwise. My bad.
Currently I have just been stuck somewhere that I can't seem to get out of. A hole. A black hole. Depression is a funny thing. Not so much Ha Ha funny, but more of a well ain't that some shit funny. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's mostly shit. Tired, moody, fatigued, upset, hopeless and then there's the pain. Oh the pain, mental and physical. You just get worse because it's getting worse. No wonder there are a gazillion pills out there now for this. Who could pull themselves out of this on their own? Who could keep going through this day in and day out and come out on top? Who can wake up the next day after months of it and say, "No, today I will not feel like crap!" Not me it seems.
I've almost gotten through and had some good days. Hell, some great days and yet here I am, back in my bathrobe, laying in bed after smoking too many cigarettes (totally passed my allotted amount for the day, I've been staying under 5 most days for a couple months now) wanting to either drink, eat, sleep or smoke more cigarettes that honestly I don't even want anymore.
I did leave the house today and for a short moment yesterday, but it's just been the couch really. Have I photographed this shit?! NO! Should I?! Probably. But the camera is in the other room and I refuse to get up right now. Damn it!
But seriously,
Moving out west has been hard, I don't have a job, I've only made a few friends, and I'm off. Or alone. Or scared. Or something. What's been scaring me lately is that this was me all along. That this IS me. If I don't have someone or something else telling me to get up and move, I won't ever move. I thought I had drive. I thought I was a "Go Getter". I got stuff. I really did. But why? Cause I wanted to or cause I had to. Now, I want so much, so many ideas, projects, things and such. I can't seem to get up for them. They just fill my head, almost immediately, and then I'm overwhelmed, I'm shot, I'm so tired. There's just so much I haven't done and it's weighing me down.
No wonder my main issues with pain are my shoulders and lower back. I'm carrying so much shit. I'm gonna hurt myself. I AM hurting myself. I thought I liked me more than this.
Don't I? Don't I give a shit? Well, a little. I am still here aren't I?
But that's not enough. I don't know why, but it's not?
