Okay, so I'm putting it out there...

They say if you put the energy out there it will come back to you so I'm going to try, key word try, but really try, to send out positive energy, work energy, and prosperity.  I want to truly start my career.  I am not a bartender, I am not a waitress, and I am not supposed to be making such little money.  I am worth more than this.  I want more than this.  I can do more than this!
I need to get off the couch.
I want to be inspired.
I want to work more!
I want to photograph everything.  And I can.
More head shots, pictures of food, interiors, exteriors, bottles, ornaments, fashion spreads.  I want to shoot more!
And the concerts.
I should see what needs to be done about getting a press pass for venues.  Len will know.
I need to move, to have a real home, and to not cringe every time I need to leave the house, or come home.  It's too far away and it's disgusting, both in and out side.  I'm sick of this area and this management.  I need people who give a shit in my general vicinity.
So, if I want all of this so badly, why can't I get up and do it.  What's stopping me?!  Other than the obvious,
FEAR.
What am I so scared of?  I've made mistakes before and I will make many in the future.  People are going to say no, a lot, but there will be the ones that say yes.  If I don't ask, they'll never get a chance to say either.  Why have I taken as long as humanly possible to write a resume?  Just write it, proof it and print it already.
That's it, no more excuses.  I'm better than this.  I took some time and now, as it's been plenty if not too much time, I need to get back into it.  All of it.
Wedding, Job, Apartment, Family, Portfolio, Yoga, and time with the dog even.  I could be writing and painting and singing and exercising!
I've got a TAG SALE to get ready for, and plenty of photo shoots to do or work on.
Tomorrow is take care of bills day.  Sunday is work.  Monday is get your shit together day!!!!
DAMN IT!
Meet with Abby, and Will and talk to Len and Algis and Stephen.
Email all the people who need your help and set a day and time to work.
Have Sen cook something amazing to photograph, by a nice bottle of something and photograph it before you drink it.  Come up with some funky ideas and shoot em!  Go back to old ideas.  Pick it back up and dust it off and get a move on!  
Get a working camera!
Maybe that can be tomorrow.  All you really need is a lens.
I am going to get something done tomorrow.  I don't care how scared I am.  Just one thing.  And then one more thing the next day.  Figure it out.  I can do this.  I will do this!
God, I sound like a self-help audio book.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
Well they do, for the most part.
Okay, now that I'm all worked up, let's try to go to bed.  This should be fun.
COME AND GET ME POSITIVE ENERGY!!!!!!

Damn It!

I know I need to take a shower but I'm already so angry with this apartment I try not to be reminded of how much hot water we don't have.  I hate it here.  I don't want to see used condoms hanging from my window, I don't want to get locked out due to a busted door or lock, I don't want to wait for a problem to get fixed for 6 months, I don't want to be told I don't know what I'm talking about when I mention a problem, And I certainly don't want to feel stupid or helpless any more.
I dream of an apartment where things aren't broken, where every outlet works, where you can take a nice hot shower for 15 minutes, where I can run a bath without boiling water on the stove, where my bed won't get damaged on Christmas Eve, where I want to come home and hang things on the wall because I can.
Maybe I ask for too much.
Maybe I should just except what I have.
Maybe I could learn to live this way.

No, I am not going to settle for below legal standards!  This is not okay and I, and everyone else in my building, deserve proper treatment.

I also should be able to take one day off every 6 months without difficulty or guilt.

I need to move, I need to get another job, I need to quit, I need to stretch, I need to shoot, I need to feel better than this, God Damn It!!!

Apartments should be rentable without having to make 90,000 dollars a year.  Who does that anyway!

Shower and sleep, the only two things I need to do right now and they are also the only two things I can't do.  Why does it have to be so damn hard to fall asleep?!?  I can pass out, I can stay up all night, I can nap in the middle of the day, especially if I have something to do, but I can't just go to sleep.  If I'm lucky enough to get there, it's nightmares and teeth grinding until 4 am and then what?!  Nothing.  Watch too many hours of TV and fall asleep right before the alarm sounds.  Priceless.

I'm angry.  I'm really angry and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

because I refuse to stop smoking and go to sleep...

I don't really have anything insightful to say.  I just lit another cigarette and have a lot of pent up energy, mostly anger, and it's makes it hard to sleep.  Have you ever tried to go to sleep smoking and angry!?  It's not easy.  Well, lets see...
Things aren't the worst I guess but I hate my apartment and my job and I can't seem to get out of either! Or at least it's not looking to be smooth, easy or any time soon.  Not that I expect it to be, but I'm not sure I have the energy to pull it off.  Well, quitting the job I can do, that's easy, but finding a new one, there's the tricky part.  And, honestly, if we keep on having this hot water issue, we'll probably be able to leave here too, so that's a plus.  Living without hot water on a regular bases until then proves difficult though.  It doesn't help that my two best girl friends are MIA and unluckly to surface any time soon.  I get that things change and people change and sometimes you have to move on before you're ready too, but seriously?!  Right after I ask you to be in my wedding is when you choose to, first, say yes, and then, disappear?  Fuck off!  I guess it's just me and the boys, which works and will be plenty fun, that's for sure.  If you've ever met my two brothers from other mothers, you would know.  If my dad's not up for it and my mom probably won't like the whole "spot light" thing can walk me, I should ask my actual brother.  It'd be an honor to have him in there.  He's not big on being the center either, though, so...
Anywho, Smoke is almost out.  Maybe I should brush my teeth and try to rest.  Some sort of sleep.
Cue pipes over my head to start banging.
God I hate this place.

Excuses and Smoking

She lit a cigarette to contemplate quitting smoking.  Smoking helped her think.  This was not going to be easy.  She knew this, but it had to be done.  No more chain smoking with coffee or wine.  No more smoke brakes.  No more contemplating over a smoke.  What was she going to do with her time?  How was she going to think?  How was she going to calm down?  There are so many things that make her angry.  It's going to be another world without the help of nicotine.  Another angry world.  This will be good for me, she thought.  Just not sure how or when.  They say it might be cancer, and that's probably what finally got her attention.  Damn, it's almost out.  Last cigarettes should last longer.  Don't they know this is it?  It felt like she was going to become some other person.  Someone she had never met before.  It was a little scary to say the least.  Who would this person be?  Not out on the bench, not stepping out for a minute, not hiding from family and running to the bathroom to wash and gargle.  No more ashtrays, no more Zippos, no more coffee, no more cigarettes.  She didn't even like coffee that much, it just went so well with smoking.
It has been an hour or so and she is already negotiating.  How to make it okay to smoke?  If her cousin calls she can have one.  Maybe I should just give her a call.  Is there any coffee left?  I could have some coffee and one more.  This is getting ridiculous.  Tomorrow is going to be hell.  Maybe the new guy will help.  Maybe it will be busy.  Oh, if only it would be busy.  No time for smoking and more money.  That would make for a nice weekend.  She could use it.  Especially the busy part.
Four more cigarettes later and she's wondering why she hasn't gone to sleep yet.  Isn't that the way.  Threaten to take something away and it's craved twice as much.  This is not going to be easy, but she knew that.  It technically doesn't start until next week anyway.  She had a few days to mess things up.  Either way, sleep should come soon.  NyQuil had its ways of doing that.  What she needed to worry about was her knee.  It's acting up again.  And that wasn't true.  She really needed to worry about nothing.  To not worry at all.  To go to sleep.  To stop trying to figure it out, or work it out, or find another excuse to smoke.  That's what this was all coming down to. Excuses.  And smoking...

Stress

It been a while since I've signed on to let loose but here I am.  Things have been what I would call messy, to say the least.  Let me see, where to start?
Being such a mess I'm just gonna jump right in...  My grandfather died, my appendix was removed, my dog of nine years had cancer and surgery, they want to set up an appt for me since I might have cancer, I've done nothing since graduation, not even my resume, no health insurance, off the pill, cramps, braking out, gallons of water spilled down through my ceiling onto my bed xmas morning, i hate my apartment, i hate my job, I'm not shooting, I'm still smoking, I'm pretty sure one of my co-workers is going to die (speaking of cancer), and I feel alone.
The people I think of as my closest friends have not tried to return any of my calls in months, even through all of this.  Maybe I don't need anyone to stand up there with me on my wedding day.  Maybe I don't need anyone to help me.  I wish I was strong enough to not need someone to lean on.  I know my fiance is there for me but he can't be there all the time.  I don't want to get sucked into a world where I only have him to keep me company.  I don't want to lose my identity due to lack of communication outside of the house and work.
I've been so angry and aggravated.  Every little thing pisses me off to know end.

Stress
always stress
Just let it go, don't let it get to you, you're better than that
they say
i don't want to let it go, it does get to me, I'm not better than that
Is it really better?
I like that I feel all of this
I like being angry,
Spite is how I keep going
It's just so hard sometimes.
I'm here for you, anything you need, call if you need to talk
they say
You're not here, I need everything, I've been calling
and no one is answering.
It's better this way
The phone makes me smoke more, the phone makes me stay in, the phone hurts my neck.

If I could just put out my cigarette, just get up, just get out
and let go I'd be fine

ShotByJessy.com

Wow, it has been way to long since I've been here and writing away.  I'm mainly here to mention the update of my photography website, shotbyjessy.com.  Very exciting.  Speaking of exciting, I'm about to graduate and I'm losing it a little, well, no a lot.  It's insane and scarey and weird and wonderful, but seriously, what am I supposed to do??!?!!!?  There are so many tings running through my head, and yes, the are running.  There are no slow thoughts.  Nothing out for a stroll going through my mind, enjoying this lovely weather we're having today.  Each thought is flying by, totally not obeying the speed limits posted, running stop signs and probably drunk.   It's out of control up there.  I've been walking around, looking somewhat normal, handling what has been thrown at me and still remembering things like brushing my teeth and putting on shoes.  Meanwhile, that chaos I described before is what is always happening on the inside.  It truly is terrifying.  I feel like there is more to say, but I can't get it out.  I have a long long long to do list and I'm not sure how anything is getting done.  I'm still getting work together, finishing homework on time, getting to work on time, cleaning dishes, well, I should really do the dishes, and figuring out my boyfriends birthday plans, seeing my other friend for their birthday, all those things.  But... I am not emailing people their photos that I promised, I m not burning the cd of the images I promised someone that I thought I lost and only recently found (like 5 months later), I'm not making sense of my contact info, I'm not updating my website (shotbyjessy.com), I am not starting up profiles and other sites to help promote me, I am not sleeping, I am not going to yoga, I am not exercising, I am not taking my time, I am not collaborating with my brother, I am not helping my friend in rehab, I'm not out there looking for another job, I'm not doing the dishes, I'm not taking my pills and I'm not going to list anything else since this list is so long it's starting to depress me.  So that is where I am.
PS
I hate digital cameras that make pretend shutter sounds!!!!!!!

Come To The Show!!!!!