IZZYCHURCH.COM

Posting anyway

I took pictures today, and two days before that.  I quit my bar tending gig.  My throat is finally healing up.  I'm still keeping the smoking down to a minimum for the most part.  I took the dog out to play today and the park a couple times last week.  I sent out the Save-The-Dates yesterday.  I took a shower today.

I haven't done any yoga.  I haven't written my resume.  I didn't do laundry.  I didn't do the dishes.  I am smoking right now.  I stayed on the couch all day.  I hate my hair.  I haven't found a caterer yet.  I lost my friends, well, three of them.  I didn't clean the house today.  I didn't brush the dog.  My computer is still broken.  I need Photoshop!

I'm tired and I just want to feel like I accomplished something, anything.

I'm all over the place.  I have nothing to write and everything inside my head and I can't get it out I need to keep typing and stop correcting it while I'm doing it so that it flows faster to keep up with my mind which is spinning out of control I want to feel sexy again I want to work out I want to live somewhere else and not it this god forsaken apartment anymore.  I hate it here so much and Tuesday doesn't seem happy here either and Seneca isn't either

This sucks.  Normally when I get the urge to write here I have something to say but tonight, I got nothing.  Just babble.  Nothing clear to say.  My cramps are pissing me off and I can't take any of my pills because it's already so late and I'll be useless tomorrow if I take it now.  Not that I have anything in particular for tomorrow as far as plans go, but I don't need to guarantee a day of nothing when there's already so much to do.  Always so much to do.

I don't need to smoke more, I don't need to eat anything, I should go to sleep, and I need to do the dishes and laundry.  
I feel lost and frustrated.  I'm so frustrated with everything.  Money, the apartment, career, the wedding, the ones I thought were my friends, my body and well, everything.

Fuck it, I'm posting this anyway

Okay, so I'm putting it out there...

They say if you put the energy out there it will come back to you so I'm going to try, key word try, but really try, to send out positive energy, work energy, and prosperity.  I want to truly start my career.  I am not a bartender, I am not a waitress, and I am not supposed to be making such little money.  I am worth more than this.  I want more than this.  I can do more than this!
I need to get off the couch.
I want to be inspired.
I want to work more!
I want to photograph everything.  And I can.
More head shots, pictures of food, interiors, exteriors, bottles, ornaments, fashion spreads.  I want to shoot more!
And the concerts.
I should see what needs to be done about getting a press pass for venues.  Len will know.
I need to move, to have a real home, and to not cringe every time I need to leave the house, or come home.  It's too far away and it's disgusting, both in and out side.  I'm sick of this area and this management.  I need people who give a shit in my general vicinity.
So, if I want all of this so badly, why can't I get up and do it.  What's stopping me?!  Other than the obvious,
FEAR.
What am I so scared of?  I've made mistakes before and I will make many in the future.  People are going to say no, a lot, but there will be the ones that say yes.  If I don't ask, they'll never get a chance to say either.  Why have I taken as long as humanly possible to write a resume?  Just write it, proof it and print it already.
That's it, no more excuses.  I'm better than this.  I took some time and now, as it's been plenty if not too much time, I need to get back into it.  All of it.
Wedding, Job, Apartment, Family, Portfolio, Yoga, and time with the dog even.  I could be writing and painting and singing and exercising!
I've got a TAG SALE to get ready for, and plenty of photo shoots to do or work on.
Tomorrow is take care of bills day.  Sunday is work.  Monday is get your shit together day!!!!
DAMN IT!
Meet with Abby, and Will and talk to Len and Algis and Stephen.
Email all the people who need your help and set a day and time to work.
Have Sen cook something amazing to photograph, by a nice bottle of something and photograph it before you drink it.  Come up with some funky ideas and shoot em!  Go back to old ideas.  Pick it back up and dust it off and get a move on!  
Get a working camera!
Maybe that can be tomorrow.  All you really need is a lens.
I am going to get something done tomorrow.  I don't care how scared I am.  Just one thing.  And then one more thing the next day.  Figure it out.  I can do this.  I will do this!
God, I sound like a self-help audio book.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
Well they do, for the most part.
Okay, now that I'm all worked up, let's try to go to bed.  This should be fun.
COME AND GET ME POSITIVE ENERGY!!!!!!

Damn It!

I know I need to take a shower but I'm already so angry with this apartment I try not to be reminded of how much hot water we don't have.  I hate it here.  I don't want to see used condoms hanging from my window, I don't want to get locked out due to a busted door or lock, I don't want to wait for a problem to get fixed for 6 months, I don't want to be told I don't know what I'm talking about when I mention a problem, And I certainly don't want to feel stupid or helpless any more.
I dream of an apartment where things aren't broken, where every outlet works, where you can take a nice hot shower for 15 minutes, where I can run a bath without boiling water on the stove, where my bed won't get damaged on Christmas Eve, where I want to come home and hang things on the wall because I can.
Maybe I ask for too much.
Maybe I should just except what I have.
Maybe I could learn to live this way.

No, I am not going to settle for below legal standards!  This is not okay and I, and everyone else in my building, deserve proper treatment.

I also should be able to take one day off every 6 months without difficulty or guilt.

I need to move, I need to get another job, I need to quit, I need to stretch, I need to shoot, I need to feel better than this, God Damn It!!!

Apartments should be rentable without having to make 90,000 dollars a year.  Who does that anyway!

Shower and sleep, the only two things I need to do right now and they are also the only two things I can't do.  Why does it have to be so damn hard to fall asleep?!?  I can pass out, I can stay up all night, I can nap in the middle of the day, especially if I have something to do, but I can't just go to sleep.  If I'm lucky enough to get there, it's nightmares and teeth grinding until 4 am and then what?!  Nothing.  Watch too many hours of TV and fall asleep right before the alarm sounds.  Priceless.

I'm angry.  I'm really angry and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

because I refuse to stop smoking and go to sleep...

I don't really have anything insightful to say.  I just lit another cigarette and have a lot of pent up energy, mostly anger, and it's makes it hard to sleep.  Have you ever tried to go to sleep smoking and angry!?  It's not easy.  Well, lets see...
Things aren't the worst I guess but I hate my apartment and my job and I can't seem to get out of either! Or at least it's not looking to be smooth, easy or any time soon.  Not that I expect it to be, but I'm not sure I have the energy to pull it off.  Well, quitting the job I can do, that's easy, but finding a new one, there's the tricky part.  And, honestly, if we keep on having this hot water issue, we'll probably be able to leave here too, so that's a plus.  Living without hot water on a regular bases until then proves difficult though.  It doesn't help that my two best girl friends are MIA and unluckly to surface any time soon.  I get that things change and people change and sometimes you have to move on before you're ready too, but seriously?!  Right after I ask you to be in my wedding is when you choose to, first, say yes, and then, disappear?  Fuck off!  I guess it's just me and the boys, which works and will be plenty fun, that's for sure.  If you've ever met my two brothers from other mothers, you would know.  If my dad's not up for it and my mom probably won't like the whole "spot light" thing can walk me, I should ask my actual brother.  It'd be an honor to have him in there.  He's not big on being the center either, though, so...
Anywho, Smoke is almost out.  Maybe I should brush my teeth and try to rest.  Some sort of sleep.
Cue pipes over my head to start banging.
God I hate this place.

Excuses and Smoking

She lit a cigarette to contemplate quitting smoking.  Smoking helped her think.  This was not going to be easy.  She knew this, but it had to be done.  No more chain smoking with coffee or wine.  No more smoke brakes.  No more contemplating over a smoke.  What was she going to do with her time?  How was she going to think?  How was she going to calm down?  There are so many things that make her angry.  It's going to be another world without the help of nicotine.  Another angry world.  This will be good for me, she thought.  Just not sure how or when.  They say it might be cancer, and that's probably what finally got her attention.  Damn, it's almost out.  Last cigarettes should last longer.  Don't they know this is it?  It felt like she was going to become some other person.  Someone she had never met before.  It was a little scary to say the least.  Who would this person be?  Not out on the bench, not stepping out for a minute, not hiding from family and running to the bathroom to wash and gargle.  No more ashtrays, no more Zippos, no more coffee, no more cigarettes.  She didn't even like coffee that much, it just went so well with smoking.
It has been an hour or so and she is already negotiating.  How to make it okay to smoke?  If her cousin calls she can have one.  Maybe I should just give her a call.  Is there any coffee left?  I could have some coffee and one more.  This is getting ridiculous.  Tomorrow is going to be hell.  Maybe the new guy will help.  Maybe it will be busy.  Oh, if only it would be busy.  No time for smoking and more money.  That would make for a nice weekend.  She could use it.  Especially the busy part.
Four more cigarettes later and she's wondering why she hasn't gone to sleep yet.  Isn't that the way.  Threaten to take something away and it's craved twice as much.  This is not going to be easy, but she knew that.  It technically doesn't start until next week anyway.  She had a few days to mess things up.  Either way, sleep should come soon.  NyQuil had its ways of doing that.  What she needed to worry about was her knee.  It's acting up again.  And that wasn't true.  She really needed to worry about nothing.  To not worry at all.  To go to sleep.  To stop trying to figure it out, or work it out, or find another excuse to smoke.  That's what this was all coming down to. Excuses.  And smoking...

Stress

It been a while since I've signed on to let loose but here I am.  Things have been what I would call messy, to say the least.  Let me see, where to start?
Being such a mess I'm just gonna jump right in...  My grandfather died, my appendix was removed, my dog of nine years had cancer and surgery, they want to set up an appt for me since I might have cancer, I've done nothing since graduation, not even my resume, no health insurance, off the pill, cramps, braking out, gallons of water spilled down through my ceiling onto my bed xmas morning, i hate my apartment, i hate my job, I'm not shooting, I'm still smoking, I'm pretty sure one of my co-workers is going to die (speaking of cancer), and I feel alone.
The people I think of as my closest friends have not tried to return any of my calls in months, even through all of this.  Maybe I don't need anyone to stand up there with me on my wedding day.  Maybe I don't need anyone to help me.  I wish I was strong enough to not need someone to lean on.  I know my fiance is there for me but he can't be there all the time.  I don't want to get sucked into a world where I only have him to keep me company.  I don't want to lose my identity due to lack of communication outside of the house and work.
I've been so angry and aggravated.  Every little thing pisses me off to know end.

Stress
always stress
Just let it go, don't let it get to you, you're better than that
they say
i don't want to let it go, it does get to me, I'm not better than that
Is it really better?
I like that I feel all of this
I like being angry,
Spite is how I keep going
It's just so hard sometimes.
I'm here for you, anything you need, call if you need to talk
they say
You're not here, I need everything, I've been calling
and no one is answering.
It's better this way
The phone makes me smoke more, the phone makes me stay in, the phone hurts my neck.

If I could just put out my cigarette, just get up, just get out
and let go I'd be fine