Damn It!

I know I need to take a shower but I'm already so angry with this apartment I try not to be reminded of how much hot water we don't have.  I hate it here.  I don't want to see used condoms hanging from my window, I don't want to get locked out due to a busted door or lock, I don't want to wait for a problem to get fixed for 6 months, I don't want to be told I don't know what I'm talking about when I mention a problem, And I certainly don't want to feel stupid or helpless any more.
I dream of an apartment where things aren't broken, where every outlet works, where you can take a nice hot shower for 15 minutes, where I can run a bath without boiling water on the stove, where my bed won't get damaged on Christmas Eve, where I want to come home and hang things on the wall because I can.
Maybe I ask for too much.
Maybe I should just except what I have.
Maybe I could learn to live this way.

No, I am not going to settle for below legal standards!  This is not okay and I, and everyone else in my building, deserve proper treatment.

I also should be able to take one day off every 6 months without difficulty or guilt.

I need to move, I need to get another job, I need to quit, I need to stretch, I need to shoot, I need to feel better than this, God Damn It!!!

Apartments should be rentable without having to make 90,000 dollars a year.  Who does that anyway!

Shower and sleep, the only two things I need to do right now and they are also the only two things I can't do.  Why does it have to be so damn hard to fall asleep?!?  I can pass out, I can stay up all night, I can nap in the middle of the day, especially if I have something to do, but I can't just go to sleep.  If I'm lucky enough to get there, it's nightmares and teeth grinding until 4 am and then what?!  Nothing.  Watch too many hours of TV and fall asleep right before the alarm sounds.  Priceless.

I'm angry.  I'm really angry and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

because I refuse to stop smoking and go to sleep...

I don't really have anything insightful to say.  I just lit another cigarette and have a lot of pent up energy, mostly anger, and it's makes it hard to sleep.  Have you ever tried to go to sleep smoking and angry!?  It's not easy.  Well, lets see...
Things aren't the worst I guess but I hate my apartment and my job and I can't seem to get out of either! Or at least it's not looking to be smooth, easy or any time soon.  Not that I expect it to be, but I'm not sure I have the energy to pull it off.  Well, quitting the job I can do, that's easy, but finding a new one, there's the tricky part.  And, honestly, if we keep on having this hot water issue, we'll probably be able to leave here too, so that's a plus.  Living without hot water on a regular bases until then proves difficult though.  It doesn't help that my two best girl friends are MIA and unluckly to surface any time soon.  I get that things change and people change and sometimes you have to move on before you're ready too, but seriously?!  Right after I ask you to be in my wedding is when you choose to, first, say yes, and then, disappear?  Fuck off!  I guess it's just me and the boys, which works and will be plenty fun, that's for sure.  If you've ever met my two brothers from other mothers, you would know.  If my dad's not up for it and my mom probably won't like the whole "spot light" thing can walk me, I should ask my actual brother.  It'd be an honor to have him in there.  He's not big on being the center either, though, so...
Anywho, Smoke is almost out.  Maybe I should brush my teeth and try to rest.  Some sort of sleep.
Cue pipes over my head to start banging.
God I hate this place.