Seneca Duffy

Come and join us for

 "These Are Not Paintings"

at The Craftsman (AKA: First To Market)

This Friday, April 24th 

From 7pm to 11pm 

Drinks $2 off

399 South 1st Street in Downtown

On the corner of South 1st and San Salvador

Crying for nothing...

My back hurts and my feet are cold and I'm crying about nothing and I'm upset with myself for not doing anything and it's only 10:43 am.  I'm watching things on TV I don't even like and caring about what happens.  I should not care what happens on any TV show, ever.
So, as usual the gigantic "To Do" list hangs over my head along with the "Things We Need" list that costs money I don't have and my back is fucked up and my throat hurts and I apparently just want to complain right now...
I need to get up off this chair and not sit all day staring at screens.  I'm not getting paid to do so.  Why am I putting my self through this if I don't even have to.  I could be at a museum, or gardening, or even just sitting outside.  I need to get it together.  At least make a list of this shit that needs to happen today and then figure out what's left.

15-20 minutes later...

Rar! And I'm eating chocolate.  Because.
This fucking roller coaster is retarded.  I can't control what my body and mind are feeling.  Last night I apologized so many times to my husband for being a snappy bitch.  I was so short and aggressive.

About 2 hours later....

I don't know if that nap helped or not, but now I would really like to accomplish something.
well, not what I was hoping for but here's my post anyway.
RAR!

Yeah for chemical imbalance making me ridiculous...

So, maybe everyone doesn't understand what it means when I say that I have no choice but to cry sometimes.  It's an interesting feeling when the chemicals in your body make things happen without your consent.  Especially when it's crying.  Always fun to start crying for no reason in front of people that you weren't planning on sharing with.
Luckily for me, I'm pretty open so I can get over it most times, but it's still annoying over all.
I'm supposed to pick up my husband in a few and meet with some friends in public, drink and hang out for a it.  No problem, except I am losing it a bit.
All I know is that all of a sudden I've decided to have a baby and I don't know why!  That's how bad it is and yet, I will be smoking and drinking this evening anyway.  More if anything due to the stress of the idea.
It's a fucking scary idea but one that apparently works out better with less thought.  The more you think about it, the scarier it gets and then it becomes a thing as a pose to, "oh, hey, we're doing this!  Sweet"
Well, anywho, having a baby shouldn't be dwelled upon and females with chemical imbalances happen and that seems to be my point here.  
Damn it, i am going to have to stop smoking and drinking!  Well, not tonight at least.  And life is still fun without that shit, right?
Ah, fuck, all I know is that I want to smoke one more and if I don't I have more of a chance of getting lucky.  That's when you know it's an addiction.  When you might choose it over sex.  That is a problem.
Rar!
and good night.

Sorry it's been a while...

I know, it's been a long time and few and far between otherwise.  My bad.

Currently I have just been stuck somewhere that I can't seem to get out of.  A hole.  A black hole.  Depression is a funny thing.  Not so much Ha Ha funny, but more of a well ain't that some shit funny.  I guess what I'm trying to say is it's mostly shit.  Tired, moody, fatigued, upset, hopeless and then there's the pain.  Oh the pain, mental and physical.  You just get worse because it's getting worse.  No wonder there are a gazillion pills out there now for this.  Who could pull themselves out of this on their own?  Who could keep going through this day in and day out and come out on top?  Who can wake up the next day after months of it and say, "No, today I will not feel like crap!"  Not me it seems.
I've almost gotten through and had some good days.  Hell, some great days and yet here I am, back in my bathrobe, laying in bed after smoking too many cigarettes (totally passed my allotted amount for the day, I've been staying under 5 most days for a couple months now)  wanting to either drink, eat, sleep or smoke more cigarettes that honestly I don't even want anymore.
I did leave the house today and for a short moment yesterday, but it's just been the couch really.  Have I photographed this shit?! NO!  Should I?!  Probably.  But the camera is in the other room and I refuse to get up right now.  Damn it!

But seriously,
Moving out west has been hard, I don't have a job, I've only made a few friends, and I'm off.  Or alone.  Or scared.  Or something.  What's been scaring me lately is that this was me all along.  That this IS me.  If I don't have someone or something else telling me to get up and move, I won't ever move.  I thought I had drive.  I thought I was a "Go Getter".  I got stuff.  I really did.  But why?  Cause I wanted to or cause I had to.  Now, I want so much, so many ideas, projects, things and such.  I can't seem to get up for them.  They just fill my head, almost immediately, and then I'm overwhelmed, I'm shot, I'm so tired. There's just so much I haven't done and it's weighing me down.

No wonder my main issues with pain are my shoulders and lower back.  I'm carrying so much shit.  I'm gonna hurt myself.  I AM hurting myself.  I thought I liked me more than this.

Don't I?  Don't I give a shit?  Well, a little.  I am still here aren't I?

But that's not enough.  I don't know why, but it's not?

Okay, I'm back and still wanting a cigarette.  My face hurts less, so that's nice and my cramps are pretty much gone but the nic-fit thing is obnoxious.  I had one and a half already today and all I want is one more but isn't it always one more?  Why can't smoking just be good for you or at least not sooo unbelievably dangerous.  Oh shit, I didn't take Tuesday out today.  Bad Mommy!!!  We were supposed to go for a walk to make up for the laziness of yesterday.  Well, I guess we could still go and that would distract me for another ten minutes or so.  And then shower.  And then something else, anything to keep me from trying to get another smoke in.  That's why I want to go to the bar.  I want to drink and play pool and smoke cigarettes.  Sounds so easy and pleasant, doesn't it?  Rar!
I'm not enjoying this today.  I feel more of myself before and less of a non-smoker today.  I don't even have anything else to write about other than, I want a cigarette, I want a cigarette, I want a cigarette... etc etc.
God DAmn It!!!!!!

Okay so still trying had to stat away from smoking.  don't really feel like typing right now but I haven't been keeping up with all the things to help me do this.  I'm suppose to write and walk and stretch but I'm not.  I think I'm trying to fail.  I seem to not be really trying. and yet again with another excuse as to why.  Cramps, my tooth hurts, something else, and another thing.  Like this shit is going to stop and be wonderful all the time once I quit.  There will always be a reason to have another cigarette.  Always.
I think I'm gonna take a nap.   Lay down for a sec and relax.  God damn my face hurts.  Maybe some ice with that nap...
I'll be right back.