Seneca Duffy

Come and join us for

 "These Are Not Paintings"

at The Craftsman (AKA: First To Market)

This Friday, April 24th 

From 7pm to 11pm 

Drinks $2 off

399 South 1st Street in Downtown

On the corner of South 1st and San Salvador

Crying for nothing...

My back hurts and my feet are cold and I'm crying about nothing and I'm upset with myself for not doing anything and it's only 10:43 am.  I'm watching things on TV I don't even like and caring about what happens.  I should not care what happens on any TV show, ever.
So, as usual the gigantic "To Do" list hangs over my head along with the "Things We Need" list that costs money I don't have and my back is fucked up and my throat hurts and I apparently just want to complain right now...
I need to get up off this chair and not sit all day staring at screens.  I'm not getting paid to do so.  Why am I putting my self through this if I don't even have to.  I could be at a museum, or gardening, or even just sitting outside.  I need to get it together.  At least make a list of this shit that needs to happen today and then figure out what's left.

15-20 minutes later...

Rar! And I'm eating chocolate.  Because.
This fucking roller coaster is retarded.  I can't control what my body and mind are feeling.  Last night I apologized so many times to my husband for being a snappy bitch.  I was so short and aggressive.

About 2 hours later....

I don't know if that nap helped or not, but now I would really like to accomplish something.
well, not what I was hoping for but here's my post anyway.
RAR!

Yeah for chemical imbalance making me ridiculous...

So, maybe everyone doesn't understand what it means when I say that I have no choice but to cry sometimes.  It's an interesting feeling when the chemicals in your body make things happen without your consent.  Especially when it's crying.  Always fun to start crying for no reason in front of people that you weren't planning on sharing with.
Luckily for me, I'm pretty open so I can get over it most times, but it's still annoying over all.
I'm supposed to pick up my husband in a few and meet with some friends in public, drink and hang out for a it.  No problem, except I am losing it a bit.
All I know is that all of a sudden I've decided to have a baby and I don't know why!  That's how bad it is and yet, I will be smoking and drinking this evening anyway.  More if anything due to the stress of the idea.
It's a fucking scary idea but one that apparently works out better with less thought.  The more you think about it, the scarier it gets and then it becomes a thing as a pose to, "oh, hey, we're doing this!  Sweet"
Well, anywho, having a baby shouldn't be dwelled upon and females with chemical imbalances happen and that seems to be my point here.  
Damn it, i am going to have to stop smoking and drinking!  Well, not tonight at least.  And life is still fun without that shit, right?
Ah, fuck, all I know is that I want to smoke one more and if I don't I have more of a chance of getting lucky.  That's when you know it's an addiction.  When you might choose it over sex.  That is a problem.
Rar!
and good night.

Sorry it's been a while...

I know, it's been a long time and few and far between otherwise.  My bad.

Currently I have just been stuck somewhere that I can't seem to get out of.  A hole.  A black hole.  Depression is a funny thing.  Not so much Ha Ha funny, but more of a well ain't that some shit funny.  I guess what I'm trying to say is it's mostly shit.  Tired, moody, fatigued, upset, hopeless and then there's the pain.  Oh the pain, mental and physical.  You just get worse because it's getting worse.  No wonder there are a gazillion pills out there now for this.  Who could pull themselves out of this on their own?  Who could keep going through this day in and day out and come out on top?  Who can wake up the next day after months of it and say, "No, today I will not feel like crap!"  Not me it seems.
I've almost gotten through and had some good days.  Hell, some great days and yet here I am, back in my bathrobe, laying in bed after smoking too many cigarettes (totally passed my allotted amount for the day, I've been staying under 5 most days for a couple months now)  wanting to either drink, eat, sleep or smoke more cigarettes that honestly I don't even want anymore.
I did leave the house today and for a short moment yesterday, but it's just been the couch really.  Have I photographed this shit?! NO!  Should I?!  Probably.  But the camera is in the other room and I refuse to get up right now.  Damn it!

But seriously,
Moving out west has been hard, I don't have a job, I've only made a few friends, and I'm off.  Or alone.  Or scared.  Or something.  What's been scaring me lately is that this was me all along.  That this IS me.  If I don't have someone or something else telling me to get up and move, I won't ever move.  I thought I had drive.  I thought I was a "Go Getter".  I got stuff.  I really did.  But why?  Cause I wanted to or cause I had to.  Now, I want so much, so many ideas, projects, things and such.  I can't seem to get up for them.  They just fill my head, almost immediately, and then I'm overwhelmed, I'm shot, I'm so tired. There's just so much I haven't done and it's weighing me down.

No wonder my main issues with pain are my shoulders and lower back.  I'm carrying so much shit.  I'm gonna hurt myself.  I AM hurting myself.  I thought I liked me more than this.

Don't I?  Don't I give a shit?  Well, a little.  I am still here aren't I?

But that's not enough.  I don't know why, but it's not?

Okay, I'm back and still wanting a cigarette.  My face hurts less, so that's nice and my cramps are pretty much gone but the nic-fit thing is obnoxious.  I had one and a half already today and all I want is one more but isn't it always one more?  Why can't smoking just be good for you or at least not sooo unbelievably dangerous.  Oh shit, I didn't take Tuesday out today.  Bad Mommy!!!  We were supposed to go for a walk to make up for the laziness of yesterday.  Well, I guess we could still go and that would distract me for another ten minutes or so.  And then shower.  And then something else, anything to keep me from trying to get another smoke in.  That's why I want to go to the bar.  I want to drink and play pool and smoke cigarettes.  Sounds so easy and pleasant, doesn't it?  Rar!
I'm not enjoying this today.  I feel more of myself before and less of a non-smoker today.  I don't even have anything else to write about other than, I want a cigarette, I want a cigarette, I want a cigarette... etc etc.
God DAmn It!!!!!!

Okay so still trying had to stat away from smoking.  don't really feel like typing right now but I haven't been keeping up with all the things to help me do this.  I'm suppose to write and walk and stretch but I'm not.  I think I'm trying to fail.  I seem to not be really trying. and yet again with another excuse as to why.  Cramps, my tooth hurts, something else, and another thing.  Like this shit is going to stop and be wonderful all the time once I quit.  There will always be a reason to have another cigarette.  Always.
I think I'm gonna take a nap.   Lay down for a sec and relax.  God damn my face hurts.  Maybe some ice with that nap...
I'll be right back.

And I don't feel guilty...

The later in the day and into the night is when it gets really bad.  I can only eat and clean so much.  Going outside doesn't help.  People just piss me off to the point of wanting to have a cigarette just to put out in their eye.  What am I supposed to do?  Lay on the the floor screaming until I don't want a cigarette anymore?  That seems to be the only thing that works for me other than smoking or sleeping.  And I'm not "feeling better", I'm feeling worse.  I feel tired and crazy and angry and lazy and frustrated and lonely and mean and useless.  All I do is sit here and get worse.  At least cigarettes got me out of the house.
I really wanted to buy a pack today and just smoke.  Just for today.  Go back to non smoker tomorrow. That's all I really wanted and how sad is it that that is what I REALLY want.  Shouldn't I want other things, like money or a job or fun or creativity or anything other than cancer and feeling sick and dying and disappointing your family and not having a baby ever!
It's been four days.  I smoked my "last" one Saturday afternoon and since then I have had one last night and one the night before.  It's getting to that time again when I want just one.  I thought I was going to make it tonight with out this internal argument of buy a pack and you can do it.  Even the positive encouragement from others, "You can do this" and "I'm so proud of you" just pisses me off.  I get it and thank you for all your support, but it's frustrating.  I don't want to do this, I don't want to be strong enough, or better or whatever.  I want a fucking cigarette.  That's all.  Just a fucking cigarette.  "You're doing such a great job, don't go backwards.  You've made it this far.  You can do this"  Fuck all that shit.  I don't want to.  I want a cigarette.  Just one.  And then just one more.  tomorrow.  Can't I just have one cigarette a day?  Isn't that enough?  Or, isn't that the least?
I don't think I'm going to make it very far right away and I think it's okay.  I get that everyone is trying to help me get over the hump but I'm not ready.  Hell, I'm so stressed I'm messing up my cycle.  I feel like my body is not handling the change well.  I know that it just needs time to reset and that I will actually feel better not smoking but after doing something for so long the body gets acustom to it and it takes a bit to get over the change.  I know this.  I also know that having anymore cigarettes could endanger my quitting but I think having one sometimes will keep me from losing it completely.  And why do I feel like I have to fight, argue and defend ONE cigarette?  Seriously?  It's just one.  One stupid smoke.
Everyone's worried that I'm going to feel guilty if I smoke.  The thing is, I'm doing better than I expected so having one is still a victory for me.  No guilty here.  And won't the cravings go down if I'm only having one sometimes anyway?
RAR!

STOP CMV!!!!

 

I didn't have the internet for a couple days, so here's what happened...

Photo Of The Last Three Days (I've been slacking)

Photo for a day and then another, since I didn't get to it yesterday...

A Holiday Photo For the Day

Photo of the day

I was stuck working all night so shooting was not the first thing on my mind.  I did get a couple shots in the parking lot waiting for the car to warm up but I need to make more time to shoot.  

I've decided to get off my ass...

And do something.  At least one photo a day, everyday, and share it.  Hard to do for someone not on facebook or twitter or instagram, but here it goes.  My own attempt to inspire myself!

So you thought you could plan a wedding...

I am having a mini melt down due to this whole wedding thing.  I can't seem to keep my head straight.  Besides freaking out about places, times, people, food and hair I am completely scared of money!  Where is it going to come from is what I'd like to know?
Although, the more depressing part is the reality that friendships are no longer what they used to be.  Three of the closest people to me that I have known longer than almost everyone else invited have disappeared.  I have had to let go of two maids of honor and a minister.  I have no idea what is going on between us and don't think I ever will.  One is completely MIA.  I can't get through and I don't even think either of her phones are still connected.  The other has finally reached out to me, probably two months ago.  She promised to call next week and I haven't heard anything since.  And the minister, which whom I have spoken to a little is so busy and over worked that I am asking someone else to be on call for the ceremony.
To make things a little more fun, my fiance is shutting down as well.  He can't seem to be involved too much and I think it's simply that he can't handle the stress.  That's fine, I figured I'd be on my own with this but I could use a smidge of assistance.  Like figuring out where we're going to live while I take care of the menu, plus the laundry, and dishes.  I'm getting bitter.
My favorite part, however, has to be the "best" friend who is not in the wedding, doesn't want to be IN the wedding but promised us a place to crash for a month or two.  Insisted even, on us staying with her and her husband.  Only problem is that her husband can't handle it and they've been fighting about it for weeks.  This wouldn't bother me, in fact, I would normally be there for my friend and explain that this kind gesture is too much and thank you but we are going to stay somewhere else.  I would have said that to her if I had even known that there was a problem.  I had to call her every day, sometimes three times, until I got her on the phone one week before I had to move telling me I have no where to go!  This is something she should have called me right away about.  Tell me it doesn't look too good and that you are trying your best but make sure there is a plan B just in case.  Keep me posted.  Don't fucking hide from me because you feel guilty about having to go back on your word.  I know you offered your home without checking with the man first.  I will understand if there is a problem.  Fuck you.
The best part with the second brides maid was the email apologizing for not being around or answering calls or checking email or anything and then ending it with "but you did miss my birthday".  You should know by now how bad I am with dates.  You should also know that my life is a little crazy too and it might have slipped my mind.  You could also recall that we did speak a week or so right before your birthday and I offered to get you a brand new cell phone so that you could call people and be safe.  She was upset, too, about my offering her a place to stay to get out of what seems to be an abusive relationship.  I only offered to let you know you have options.  You don't have to say yes.  You don't have to do anything.  But if you're going to keep bitching about how things are, I am going to keep giving you ideas to fix or help.  I just thought I was being a good friend, not a bully.  Come on, you're supposed to be the tough one, not the friend I walk on egg shells around, remember!?!?  That was my old roommate.  How can I be there for you if I can't reach you?  How will I know what's going on if you don't return any of my calls, emails or whatevers.  And not having email for weeks at a time, months even?  That's ridiculous.  Anyone can get to their email these days.  Plus, I thought your mom was getting you that new phone?  Isn't that why you turned me down?  Shouldn't you be able to call me now?  It's also difficult to want to stay in touch when you promise to call back or get in touch tomorrow or next week and you never do!
Alright, enough about that.
And don't get me started on the person who is not even involved getting way to involved.  Look, it's my wedding.  If there's something you can help me with, great, but I am not going to ask you for any help if it means you are now bridezilla.  I'm the one who gets to be crazy.  Just the bride.  And considering everything that is going on, I should be losing it.  But, guess what?  I'm not.  So calm the fuck down and leave my mom alone!
I'm just going to take it all on myself and fuck all of you mother fuckers who can't figure out how to be helpful!  I'll set up my own shower.  I'll transport my own food.  I'll build my own ceremony canopy.  I'll decide on the decore, seating, invites, cake, bridal party, tuxedo, dress, hair and where we are going to live!  And, I'll do my own damn make-up to boot!  Fuck it!

IZZYCHURCH.COM

Posting anyway

I took pictures today, and two days before that.  I quit my bar tending gig.  My throat is finally healing up.  I'm still keeping the smoking down to a minimum for the most part.  I took the dog out to play today and the park a couple times last week.  I sent out the Save-The-Dates yesterday.  I took a shower today.

I haven't done any yoga.  I haven't written my resume.  I didn't do laundry.  I didn't do the dishes.  I am smoking right now.  I stayed on the couch all day.  I hate my hair.  I haven't found a caterer yet.  I lost my friends, well, three of them.  I didn't clean the house today.  I didn't brush the dog.  My computer is still broken.  I need Photoshop!

I'm tired and I just want to feel like I accomplished something, anything.

I'm all over the place.  I have nothing to write and everything inside my head and I can't get it out I need to keep typing and stop correcting it while I'm doing it so that it flows faster to keep up with my mind which is spinning out of control I want to feel sexy again I want to work out I want to live somewhere else and not it this god forsaken apartment anymore.  I hate it here so much and Tuesday doesn't seem happy here either and Seneca isn't either

This sucks.  Normally when I get the urge to write here I have something to say but tonight, I got nothing.  Just babble.  Nothing clear to say.  My cramps are pissing me off and I can't take any of my pills because it's already so late and I'll be useless tomorrow if I take it now.  Not that I have anything in particular for tomorrow as far as plans go, but I don't need to guarantee a day of nothing when there's already so much to do.  Always so much to do.

I don't need to smoke more, I don't need to eat anything, I should go to sleep, and I need to do the dishes and laundry.  
I feel lost and frustrated.  I'm so frustrated with everything.  Money, the apartment, career, the wedding, the ones I thought were my friends, my body and well, everything.

Fuck it, I'm posting this anyway

Okay, so I'm putting it out there...

They say if you put the energy out there it will come back to you so I'm going to try, key word try, but really try, to send out positive energy, work energy, and prosperity.  I want to truly start my career.  I am not a bartender, I am not a waitress, and I am not supposed to be making such little money.  I am worth more than this.  I want more than this.  I can do more than this!
I need to get off the couch.
I want to be inspired.
I want to work more!
I want to photograph everything.  And I can.
More head shots, pictures of food, interiors, exteriors, bottles, ornaments, fashion spreads.  I want to shoot more!
And the concerts.
I should see what needs to be done about getting a press pass for venues.  Len will know.
I need to move, to have a real home, and to not cringe every time I need to leave the house, or come home.  It's too far away and it's disgusting, both in and out side.  I'm sick of this area and this management.  I need people who give a shit in my general vicinity.
So, if I want all of this so badly, why can't I get up and do it.  What's stopping me?!  Other than the obvious,
FEAR.
What am I so scared of?  I've made mistakes before and I will make many in the future.  People are going to say no, a lot, but there will be the ones that say yes.  If I don't ask, they'll never get a chance to say either.  Why have I taken as long as humanly possible to write a resume?  Just write it, proof it and print it already.
That's it, no more excuses.  I'm better than this.  I took some time and now, as it's been plenty if not too much time, I need to get back into it.  All of it.
Wedding, Job, Apartment, Family, Portfolio, Yoga, and time with the dog even.  I could be writing and painting and singing and exercising!
I've got a TAG SALE to get ready for, and plenty of photo shoots to do or work on.
Tomorrow is take care of bills day.  Sunday is work.  Monday is get your shit together day!!!!
DAMN IT!
Meet with Abby, and Will and talk to Len and Algis and Stephen.
Email all the people who need your help and set a day and time to work.
Have Sen cook something amazing to photograph, by a nice bottle of something and photograph it before you drink it.  Come up with some funky ideas and shoot em!  Go back to old ideas.  Pick it back up and dust it off and get a move on!  
Get a working camera!
Maybe that can be tomorrow.  All you really need is a lens.
I am going to get something done tomorrow.  I don't care how scared I am.  Just one thing.  And then one more thing the next day.  Figure it out.  I can do this.  I will do this!
God, I sound like a self-help audio book.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
Well they do, for the most part.
Okay, now that I'm all worked up, let's try to go to bed.  This should be fun.
COME AND GET ME POSITIVE ENERGY!!!!!!

Damn It!

I know I need to take a shower but I'm already so angry with this apartment I try not to be reminded of how much hot water we don't have.  I hate it here.  I don't want to see used condoms hanging from my window, I don't want to get locked out due to a busted door or lock, I don't want to wait for a problem to get fixed for 6 months, I don't want to be told I don't know what I'm talking about when I mention a problem, And I certainly don't want to feel stupid or helpless any more.
I dream of an apartment where things aren't broken, where every outlet works, where you can take a nice hot shower for 15 minutes, where I can run a bath without boiling water on the stove, where my bed won't get damaged on Christmas Eve, where I want to come home and hang things on the wall because I can.
Maybe I ask for too much.
Maybe I should just except what I have.
Maybe I could learn to live this way.

No, I am not going to settle for below legal standards!  This is not okay and I, and everyone else in my building, deserve proper treatment.

I also should be able to take one day off every 6 months without difficulty or guilt.

I need to move, I need to get another job, I need to quit, I need to stretch, I need to shoot, I need to feel better than this, God Damn It!!!

Apartments should be rentable without having to make 90,000 dollars a year.  Who does that anyway!

Shower and sleep, the only two things I need to do right now and they are also the only two things I can't do.  Why does it have to be so damn hard to fall asleep?!?  I can pass out, I can stay up all night, I can nap in the middle of the day, especially if I have something to do, but I can't just go to sleep.  If I'm lucky enough to get there, it's nightmares and teeth grinding until 4 am and then what?!  Nothing.  Watch too many hours of TV and fall asleep right before the alarm sounds.  Priceless.

I'm angry.  I'm really angry and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.