Excuses and Smoking

She lit a cigarette to contemplate quitting smoking.  Smoking helped her think.  This was not going to be easy.  She knew this, but it had to be done.  No more chain smoking with coffee or wine.  No more smoke brakes.  No more contemplating over a smoke.  What was she going to do with her time?  How was she going to think?  How was she going to calm down?  There are so many things that make her angry.  It's going to be another world without the help of nicotine.  Another angry world.  This will be good for me, she thought.  Just not sure how or when.  They say it might be cancer, and that's probably what finally got her attention.  Damn, it's almost out.  Last cigarettes should last longer.  Don't they know this is it?  It felt like she was going to become some other person.  Someone she had never met before.  It was a little scary to say the least.  Who would this person be?  Not out on the bench, not stepping out for a minute, not hiding from family and running to the bathroom to wash and gargle.  No more ashtrays, no more Zippos, no more coffee, no more cigarettes.  She didn't even like coffee that much, it just went so well with smoking.
It has been an hour or so and she is already negotiating.  How to make it okay to smoke?  If her cousin calls she can have one.  Maybe I should just give her a call.  Is there any coffee left?  I could have some coffee and one more.  This is getting ridiculous.  Tomorrow is going to be hell.  Maybe the new guy will help.  Maybe it will be busy.  Oh, if only it would be busy.  No time for smoking and more money.  That would make for a nice weekend.  She could use it.  Especially the busy part.
Four more cigarettes later and she's wondering why she hasn't gone to sleep yet.  Isn't that the way.  Threaten to take something away and it's craved twice as much.  This is not going to be easy, but she knew that.  It technically doesn't start until next week anyway.  She had a few days to mess things up.  Either way, sleep should come soon.  NyQuil had its ways of doing that.  What she needed to worry about was her knee.  It's acting up again.  And that wasn't true.  She really needed to worry about nothing.  To not worry at all.  To go to sleep.  To stop trying to figure it out, or work it out, or find another excuse to smoke.  That's what this was all coming down to. Excuses.  And smoking...

Stress

It been a while since I've signed on to let loose but here I am.  Things have been what I would call messy, to say the least.  Let me see, where to start?
Being such a mess I'm just gonna jump right in...  My grandfather died, my appendix was removed, my dog of nine years had cancer and surgery, they want to set up an appt for me since I might have cancer, I've done nothing since graduation, not even my resume, no health insurance, off the pill, cramps, braking out, gallons of water spilled down through my ceiling onto my bed xmas morning, i hate my apartment, i hate my job, I'm not shooting, I'm still smoking, I'm pretty sure one of my co-workers is going to die (speaking of cancer), and I feel alone.
The people I think of as my closest friends have not tried to return any of my calls in months, even through all of this.  Maybe I don't need anyone to stand up there with me on my wedding day.  Maybe I don't need anyone to help me.  I wish I was strong enough to not need someone to lean on.  I know my fiance is there for me but he can't be there all the time.  I don't want to get sucked into a world where I only have him to keep me company.  I don't want to lose my identity due to lack of communication outside of the house and work.
I've been so angry and aggravated.  Every little thing pisses me off to know end.

Stress
always stress
Just let it go, don't let it get to you, you're better than that
they say
i don't want to let it go, it does get to me, I'm not better than that
Is it really better?
I like that I feel all of this
I like being angry,
Spite is how I keep going
It's just so hard sometimes.
I'm here for you, anything you need, call if you need to talk
they say
You're not here, I need everything, I've been calling
and no one is answering.
It's better this way
The phone makes me smoke more, the phone makes me stay in, the phone hurts my neck.

If I could just put out my cigarette, just get up, just get out
and let go I'd be fine

ShotByJessy.com

Wow, it has been way to long since I've been here and writing away.  I'm mainly here to mention the update of my photography website, shotbyjessy.com.  Very exciting.  Speaking of exciting, I'm about to graduate and I'm losing it a little, well, no a lot.  It's insane and scarey and weird and wonderful, but seriously, what am I supposed to do??!?!!!?  There are so many tings running through my head, and yes, the are running.  There are no slow thoughts.  Nothing out for a stroll going through my mind, enjoying this lovely weather we're having today.  Each thought is flying by, totally not obeying the speed limits posted, running stop signs and probably drunk.   It's out of control up there.  I've been walking around, looking somewhat normal, handling what has been thrown at me and still remembering things like brushing my teeth and putting on shoes.  Meanwhile, that chaos I described before is what is always happening on the inside.  It truly is terrifying.  I feel like there is more to say, but I can't get it out.  I have a long long long to do list and I'm not sure how anything is getting done.  I'm still getting work together, finishing homework on time, getting to work on time, cleaning dishes, well, I should really do the dishes, and figuring out my boyfriends birthday plans, seeing my other friend for their birthday, all those things.  But... I am not emailing people their photos that I promised, I m not burning the cd of the images I promised someone that I thought I lost and only recently found (like 5 months later), I'm not making sense of my contact info, I'm not updating my website (shotbyjessy.com), I am not starting up profiles and other sites to help promote me, I am not sleeping, I am not going to yoga, I am not exercising, I am not taking my time, I am not collaborating with my brother, I am not helping my friend in rehab, I'm not out there looking for another job, I'm not doing the dishes, I'm not taking my pills and I'm not going to list anything else since this list is so long it's starting to depress me.  So that is where I am.
PS
I hate digital cameras that make pretend shutter sounds!!!!!!!