Excuses and Smoking

She lit a cigarette to contemplate quitting smoking.  Smoking helped her think.  This was not going to be easy.  She knew this, but it had to be done.  No more chain smoking with coffee or wine.  No more smoke brakes.  No more contemplating over a smoke.  What was she going to do with her time?  How was she going to think?  How was she going to calm down?  There are so many things that make her angry.  It's going to be another world without the help of nicotine.  Another angry world.  This will be good for me, she thought.  Just not sure how or when.  They say it might be cancer, and that's probably what finally got her attention.  Damn, it's almost out.  Last cigarettes should last longer.  Don't they know this is it?  It felt like she was going to become some other person.  Someone she had never met before.  It was a little scary to say the least.  Who would this person be?  Not out on the bench, not stepping out for a minute, not hiding from family and running to the bathroom to wash and gargle.  No more ashtrays, no more Zippos, no more coffee, no more cigarettes.  She didn't even like coffee that much, it just went so well with smoking.
It has been an hour or so and she is already negotiating.  How to make it okay to smoke?  If her cousin calls she can have one.  Maybe I should just give her a call.  Is there any coffee left?  I could have some coffee and one more.  This is getting ridiculous.  Tomorrow is going to be hell.  Maybe the new guy will help.  Maybe it will be busy.  Oh, if only it would be busy.  No time for smoking and more money.  That would make for a nice weekend.  She could use it.  Especially the busy part.
Four more cigarettes later and she's wondering why she hasn't gone to sleep yet.  Isn't that the way.  Threaten to take something away and it's craved twice as much.  This is not going to be easy, but she knew that.  It technically doesn't start until next week anyway.  She had a few days to mess things up.  Either way, sleep should come soon.  NyQuil had its ways of doing that.  What she needed to worry about was her knee.  It's acting up again.  And that wasn't true.  She really needed to worry about nothing.  To not worry at all.  To go to sleep.  To stop trying to figure it out, or work it out, or find another excuse to smoke.  That's what this was all coming down to. Excuses.  And smoking...