Stress

It been a while since I've signed on to let loose but here I am.  Things have been what I would call messy, to say the least.  Let me see, where to start?
Being such a mess I'm just gonna jump right in...  My grandfather died, my appendix was removed, my dog of nine years had cancer and surgery, they want to set up an appt for me since I might have cancer, I've done nothing since graduation, not even my resume, no health insurance, off the pill, cramps, braking out, gallons of water spilled down through my ceiling onto my bed xmas morning, i hate my apartment, i hate my job, I'm not shooting, I'm still smoking, I'm pretty sure one of my co-workers is going to die (speaking of cancer), and I feel alone.
The people I think of as my closest friends have not tried to return any of my calls in months, even through all of this.  Maybe I don't need anyone to stand up there with me on my wedding day.  Maybe I don't need anyone to help me.  I wish I was strong enough to not need someone to lean on.  I know my fiance is there for me but he can't be there all the time.  I don't want to get sucked into a world where I only have him to keep me company.  I don't want to lose my identity due to lack of communication outside of the house and work.
I've been so angry and aggravated.  Every little thing pisses me off to know end.

Stress
always stress
Just let it go, don't let it get to you, you're better than that
they say
i don't want to let it go, it does get to me, I'm not better than that
Is it really better?
I like that I feel all of this
I like being angry,
Spite is how I keep going
It's just so hard sometimes.
I'm here for you, anything you need, call if you need to talk
they say
You're not here, I need everything, I've been calling
and no one is answering.
It's better this way
The phone makes me smoke more, the phone makes me stay in, the phone hurts my neck.

If I could just put out my cigarette, just get up, just get out
and let go I'd be fine