I took pictures today, and two days before that. I quit my bar tending gig. My throat is finally healing up. I'm still keeping the smoking down to a minimum for the most part. I took the dog out to play today and the park a couple times last week. I sent out the Save-The-Dates yesterday. I took a shower today.
I haven't done any yoga. I haven't written my resume. I didn't do laundry. I didn't do the dishes. I am smoking right now. I stayed on the couch all day. I hate my hair. I haven't found a caterer yet. I lost my friends, well, three of them. I didn't clean the house today. I didn't brush the dog. My computer is still broken. I need Photoshop!
I'm tired and I just want to feel like I accomplished something, anything.
I'm all over the place. I have nothing to write and everything inside my head and I can't get it out I need to keep typing and stop correcting it while I'm doing it so that it flows faster to keep up with my mind which is spinning out of control I want to feel sexy again I want to work out I want to live somewhere else and not it this god forsaken apartment anymore. I hate it here so much and Tuesday doesn't seem happy here either and Seneca isn't either
This sucks. Normally when I get the urge to write here I have something to say but tonight, I got nothing. Just babble. Nothing clear to say. My cramps are pissing me off and I can't take any of my pills because it's already so late and I'll be useless tomorrow if I take it now. Not that I have anything in particular for tomorrow as far as plans go, but I don't need to guarantee a day of nothing when there's already so much to do. Always so much to do.
I don't need to smoke more, I don't need to eat anything, I should go to sleep, and I need to do the dishes and laundry.
I feel lost and frustrated. I'm so frustrated with everything. Money, the apartment, career, the wedding, the ones I thought were my friends, my body and well, everything.
Fuck it, I'm posting this anyway
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Okay, so I'm putting it out there...
They say if you put the energy out there it will come back to you so I'm going to try, key word try, but really try, to send out positive energy, work energy, and prosperity. I want to truly start my career. I am not a bartender, I am not a waitress, and I am not supposed to be making such little money. I am worth more than this. I want more than this. I can do more than this!
I need to get off the couch.
I want to be inspired.
I want to work more!
I want to photograph everything. And I can.
More head shots, pictures of food, interiors, exteriors, bottles, ornaments, fashion spreads. I want to shoot more!
And the concerts.
I should see what needs to be done about getting a press pass for venues. Len will know.
I need to move, to have a real home, and to not cringe every time I need to leave the house, or come home. It's too far away and it's disgusting, both in and out side. I'm sick of this area and this management. I need people who give a shit in my general vicinity.
So, if I want all of this so badly, why can't I get up and do it. What's stopping me?! Other than the obvious,
FEAR.
What am I so scared of? I've made mistakes before and I will make many in the future. People are going to say no, a lot, but there will be the ones that say yes. If I don't ask, they'll never get a chance to say either. Why have I taken as long as humanly possible to write a resume? Just write it, proof it and print it already.
That's it, no more excuses. I'm better than this. I took some time and now, as it's been plenty if not too much time, I need to get back into it. All of it.
Wedding, Job, Apartment, Family, Portfolio, Yoga, and time with the dog even. I could be writing and painting and singing and exercising!
I've got a TAG SALE to get ready for, and plenty of photo shoots to do or work on.
Tomorrow is take care of bills day. Sunday is work. Monday is get your shit together day!!!!
DAMN IT!
Meet with Abby, and Will and talk to Len and Algis and Stephen.
Email all the people who need your help and set a day and time to work.
Have Sen cook something amazing to photograph, by a nice bottle of something and photograph it before you drink it. Come up with some funky ideas and shoot em! Go back to old ideas. Pick it back up and dust it off and get a move on!
Get a working camera!
Maybe that can be tomorrow. All you really need is a lens.
I am going to get something done tomorrow. I don't care how scared I am. Just one thing. And then one more thing the next day. Figure it out. I can do this. I will do this!
God, I sound like a self-help audio book.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
Well they do, for the most part.
Okay, now that I'm all worked up, let's try to go to bed. This should be fun.
COME AND GET ME POSITIVE ENERGY!!!!!!
I need to get off the couch.
I want to be inspired.
I want to work more!
I want to photograph everything. And I can.
More head shots, pictures of food, interiors, exteriors, bottles, ornaments, fashion spreads. I want to shoot more!
And the concerts.
I should see what needs to be done about getting a press pass for venues. Len will know.
I need to move, to have a real home, and to not cringe every time I need to leave the house, or come home. It's too far away and it's disgusting, both in and out side. I'm sick of this area and this management. I need people who give a shit in my general vicinity.
So, if I want all of this so badly, why can't I get up and do it. What's stopping me?! Other than the obvious,
FEAR.
What am I so scared of? I've made mistakes before and I will make many in the future. People are going to say no, a lot, but there will be the ones that say yes. If I don't ask, they'll never get a chance to say either. Why have I taken as long as humanly possible to write a resume? Just write it, proof it and print it already.
That's it, no more excuses. I'm better than this. I took some time and now, as it's been plenty if not too much time, I need to get back into it. All of it.
Wedding, Job, Apartment, Family, Portfolio, Yoga, and time with the dog even. I could be writing and painting and singing and exercising!
I've got a TAG SALE to get ready for, and plenty of photo shoots to do or work on.
Tomorrow is take care of bills day. Sunday is work. Monday is get your shit together day!!!!
DAMN IT!
Meet with Abby, and Will and talk to Len and Algis and Stephen.
Email all the people who need your help and set a day and time to work.
Have Sen cook something amazing to photograph, by a nice bottle of something and photograph it before you drink it. Come up with some funky ideas and shoot em! Go back to old ideas. Pick it back up and dust it off and get a move on!
Get a working camera!
Maybe that can be tomorrow. All you really need is a lens.
I am going to get something done tomorrow. I don't care how scared I am. Just one thing. And then one more thing the next day. Figure it out. I can do this. I will do this!
God, I sound like a self-help audio book.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
Well they do, for the most part.
Okay, now that I'm all worked up, let's try to go to bed. This should be fun.
COME AND GET ME POSITIVE ENERGY!!!!!!
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