Okay, I'm back and still wanting a cigarette.  My face hurts less, so that's nice and my cramps are pretty much gone but the nic-fit thing is obnoxious.  I had one and a half already today and all I want is one more but isn't it always one more?  Why can't smoking just be good for you or at least not sooo unbelievably dangerous.  Oh shit, I didn't take Tuesday out today.  Bad Mommy!!!  We were supposed to go for a walk to make up for the laziness of yesterday.  Well, I guess we could still go and that would distract me for another ten minutes or so.  And then shower.  And then something else, anything to keep me from trying to get another smoke in.  That's why I want to go to the bar.  I want to drink and play pool and smoke cigarettes.  Sounds so easy and pleasant, doesn't it?  Rar!
I'm not enjoying this today.  I feel more of myself before and less of a non-smoker today.  I don't even have anything else to write about other than, I want a cigarette, I want a cigarette, I want a cigarette... etc etc.
God DAmn It!!!!!!

Okay so still trying had to stat away from smoking.  don't really feel like typing right now but I haven't been keeping up with all the things to help me do this.  I'm suppose to write and walk and stretch but I'm not.  I think I'm trying to fail.  I seem to not be really trying. and yet again with another excuse as to why.  Cramps, my tooth hurts, something else, and another thing.  Like this shit is going to stop and be wonderful all the time once I quit.  There will always be a reason to have another cigarette.  Always.
I think I'm gonna take a nap.   Lay down for a sec and relax.  God damn my face hurts.  Maybe some ice with that nap...
I'll be right back.

And I don't feel guilty...

The later in the day and into the night is when it gets really bad.  I can only eat and clean so much.  Going outside doesn't help.  People just piss me off to the point of wanting to have a cigarette just to put out in their eye.  What am I supposed to do?  Lay on the the floor screaming until I don't want a cigarette anymore?  That seems to be the only thing that works for me other than smoking or sleeping.  And I'm not "feeling better", I'm feeling worse.  I feel tired and crazy and angry and lazy and frustrated and lonely and mean and useless.  All I do is sit here and get worse.  At least cigarettes got me out of the house.
I really wanted to buy a pack today and just smoke.  Just for today.  Go back to non smoker tomorrow. That's all I really wanted and how sad is it that that is what I REALLY want.  Shouldn't I want other things, like money or a job or fun or creativity or anything other than cancer and feeling sick and dying and disappointing your family and not having a baby ever!
It's been four days.  I smoked my "last" one Saturday afternoon and since then I have had one last night and one the night before.  It's getting to that time again when I want just one.  I thought I was going to make it tonight with out this internal argument of buy a pack and you can do it.  Even the positive encouragement from others, "You can do this" and "I'm so proud of you" just pisses me off.  I get it and thank you for all your support, but it's frustrating.  I don't want to do this, I don't want to be strong enough, or better or whatever.  I want a fucking cigarette.  That's all.  Just a fucking cigarette.  "You're doing such a great job, don't go backwards.  You've made it this far.  You can do this"  Fuck all that shit.  I don't want to.  I want a cigarette.  Just one.  And then just one more.  tomorrow.  Can't I just have one cigarette a day?  Isn't that enough?  Or, isn't that the least?
I don't think I'm going to make it very far right away and I think it's okay.  I get that everyone is trying to help me get over the hump but I'm not ready.  Hell, I'm so stressed I'm messing up my cycle.  I feel like my body is not handling the change well.  I know that it just needs time to reset and that I will actually feel better not smoking but after doing something for so long the body gets acustom to it and it takes a bit to get over the change.  I know this.  I also know that having anymore cigarettes could endanger my quitting but I think having one sometimes will keep me from losing it completely.  And why do I feel like I have to fight, argue and defend ONE cigarette?  Seriously?  It's just one.  One stupid smoke.
Everyone's worried that I'm going to feel guilty if I smoke.  The thing is, I'm doing better than I expected so having one is still a victory for me.  No guilty here.  And won't the cravings go down if I'm only having one sometimes anyway?
RAR!