The later in the day and into the night is when it gets really bad. I can only eat and clean so much. Going outside doesn't help. People just piss me off to the point of wanting to have a cigarette just to put out in their eye. What am I supposed to do? Lay on the the floor screaming until I don't want a cigarette anymore? That seems to be the only thing that works for me other than smoking or sleeping. And I'm not "feeling better", I'm feeling worse. I feel tired and crazy and angry and lazy and frustrated and lonely and mean and useless. All I do is sit here and get worse. At least cigarettes got me out of the house.
I really wanted to buy a pack today and just smoke. Just for today. Go back to non smoker tomorrow. That's all I really wanted and how sad is it that that is what I REALLY want. Shouldn't I want other things, like money or a job or fun or creativity or anything other than cancer and feeling sick and dying and disappointing your family and not having a baby ever!
It's been four days. I smoked my "last" one Saturday afternoon and since then I have had one last night and one the night before. It's getting to that time again when I want just one. I thought I was going to make it tonight with out this internal argument of buy a pack and you can do it. Even the positive encouragement from others, "You can do this" and "I'm so proud of you" just pisses me off. I get it and thank you for all your support, but it's frustrating. I don't want to do this, I don't want to be strong enough, or better or whatever. I want a fucking cigarette. That's all. Just a fucking cigarette. "You're doing such a great job, don't go backwards. You've made it this far. You can do this" Fuck all that shit. I don't want to. I want a cigarette. Just one. And then just one more. tomorrow. Can't I just have one cigarette a day? Isn't that enough? Or, isn't that the least?
I don't think I'm going to make it very far right away and I think it's okay. I get that everyone is trying to help me get over the hump but I'm not ready. Hell, I'm so stressed I'm messing up my cycle. I feel like my body is not handling the change well. I know that it just needs time to reset and that I will actually feel better not smoking but after doing something for so long the body gets acustom to it and it takes a bit to get over the change. I know this. I also know that having anymore cigarettes could endanger my quitting but I think having one sometimes will keep me from losing it completely. And why do I feel like I have to fight, argue and defend ONE cigarette? Seriously? It's just one. One stupid smoke.
Everyone's worried that I'm going to feel guilty if I smoke. The thing is, I'm doing better than I expected so having one is still a victory for me. No guilty here. And won't the cravings go down if I'm only having one sometimes anyway?
RAR!
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