Monday, December 30, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Friday, December 20, 2013
Photo of the day
I was stuck working all night so shooting was not the first thing on my mind. I did get a couple shots in the parking lot waiting for the car to warm up but I need to make more time to shoot.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
I've decided to get off my ass...
And do something. At least one photo a day, everyday, and share it. Hard to do for someone not on facebook or twitter or instagram, but here it goes. My own attempt to inspire myself!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
So you thought you could plan a wedding...
I am having a mini melt down due to this whole wedding thing. I can't seem to keep my head straight. Besides freaking out about places, times, people, food and hair I am completely scared of money! Where is it going to come from is what I'd like to know?
Although, the more depressing part is the reality that friendships are no longer what they used to be. Three of the closest people to me that I have known longer than almost everyone else invited have disappeared. I have had to let go of two maids of honor and a minister. I have no idea what is going on between us and don't think I ever will. One is completely MIA. I can't get through and I don't even think either of her phones are still connected. The other has finally reached out to me, probably two months ago. She promised to call next week and I haven't heard anything since. And the minister, which whom I have spoken to a little is so busy and over worked that I am asking someone else to be on call for the ceremony.
To make things a little more fun, my fiance is shutting down as well. He can't seem to be involved too much and I think it's simply that he can't handle the stress. That's fine, I figured I'd be on my own with this but I could use a smidge of assistance. Like figuring out where we're going to live while I take care of the menu, plus the laundry, and dishes. I'm getting bitter.
My favorite part, however, has to be the "best" friend who is not in the wedding, doesn't want to be IN the wedding but promised us a place to crash for a month or two. Insisted even, on us staying with her and her husband. Only problem is that her husband can't handle it and they've been fighting about it for weeks. This wouldn't bother me, in fact, I would normally be there for my friend and explain that this kind gesture is too much and thank you but we are going to stay somewhere else. I would have said that to her if I had even known that there was a problem. I had to call her every day, sometimes three times, until I got her on the phone one week before I had to move telling me I have no where to go! This is something she should have called me right away about. Tell me it doesn't look too good and that you are trying your best but make sure there is a plan B just in case. Keep me posted. Don't fucking hide from me because you feel guilty about having to go back on your word. I know you offered your home without checking with the man first. I will understand if there is a problem. Fuck you.
The best part with the second brides maid was the email apologizing for not being around or answering calls or checking email or anything and then ending it with "but you did miss my birthday". You should know by now how bad I am with dates. You should also know that my life is a little crazy too and it might have slipped my mind. You could also recall that we did speak a week or so right before your birthday and I offered to get you a brand new cell phone so that you could call people and be safe. She was upset, too, about my offering her a place to stay to get out of what seems to be an abusive relationship. I only offered to let you know you have options. You don't have to say yes. You don't have to do anything. But if you're going to keep bitching about how things are, I am going to keep giving you ideas to fix or help. I just thought I was being a good friend, not a bully. Come on, you're supposed to be the tough one, not the friend I walk on egg shells around, remember!?!? That was my old roommate. How can I be there for you if I can't reach you? How will I know what's going on if you don't return any of my calls, emails or whatevers. And not having email for weeks at a time, months even? That's ridiculous. Anyone can get to their email these days. Plus, I thought your mom was getting you that new phone? Isn't that why you turned me down? Shouldn't you be able to call me now? It's also difficult to want to stay in touch when you promise to call back or get in touch tomorrow or next week and you never do!
Alright, enough about that.
And don't get me started on the person who is not even involved getting way to involved. Look, it's my wedding. If there's something you can help me with, great, but I am not going to ask you for any help if it means you are now bridezilla. I'm the one who gets to be crazy. Just the bride. And considering everything that is going on, I should be losing it. But, guess what? I'm not. So calm the fuck down and leave my mom alone!
I'm just going to take it all on myself and fuck all of you mother fuckers who can't figure out how to be helpful! I'll set up my own shower. I'll transport my own food. I'll build my own ceremony canopy. I'll decide on the decore, seating, invites, cake, bridal party, tuxedo, dress, hair and where we are going to live! And, I'll do my own damn make-up to boot! Fuck it!
Although, the more depressing part is the reality that friendships are no longer what they used to be. Three of the closest people to me that I have known longer than almost everyone else invited have disappeared. I have had to let go of two maids of honor and a minister. I have no idea what is going on between us and don't think I ever will. One is completely MIA. I can't get through and I don't even think either of her phones are still connected. The other has finally reached out to me, probably two months ago. She promised to call next week and I haven't heard anything since. And the minister, which whom I have spoken to a little is so busy and over worked that I am asking someone else to be on call for the ceremony.
To make things a little more fun, my fiance is shutting down as well. He can't seem to be involved too much and I think it's simply that he can't handle the stress. That's fine, I figured I'd be on my own with this but I could use a smidge of assistance. Like figuring out where we're going to live while I take care of the menu, plus the laundry, and dishes. I'm getting bitter.
My favorite part, however, has to be the "best" friend who is not in the wedding, doesn't want to be IN the wedding but promised us a place to crash for a month or two. Insisted even, on us staying with her and her husband. Only problem is that her husband can't handle it and they've been fighting about it for weeks. This wouldn't bother me, in fact, I would normally be there for my friend and explain that this kind gesture is too much and thank you but we are going to stay somewhere else. I would have said that to her if I had even known that there was a problem. I had to call her every day, sometimes three times, until I got her on the phone one week before I had to move telling me I have no where to go! This is something she should have called me right away about. Tell me it doesn't look too good and that you are trying your best but make sure there is a plan B just in case. Keep me posted. Don't fucking hide from me because you feel guilty about having to go back on your word. I know you offered your home without checking with the man first. I will understand if there is a problem. Fuck you.
The best part with the second brides maid was the email apologizing for not being around or answering calls or checking email or anything and then ending it with "but you did miss my birthday". You should know by now how bad I am with dates. You should also know that my life is a little crazy too and it might have slipped my mind. You could also recall that we did speak a week or so right before your birthday and I offered to get you a brand new cell phone so that you could call people and be safe. She was upset, too, about my offering her a place to stay to get out of what seems to be an abusive relationship. I only offered to let you know you have options. You don't have to say yes. You don't have to do anything. But if you're going to keep bitching about how things are, I am going to keep giving you ideas to fix or help. I just thought I was being a good friend, not a bully. Come on, you're supposed to be the tough one, not the friend I walk on egg shells around, remember!?!? That was my old roommate. How can I be there for you if I can't reach you? How will I know what's going on if you don't return any of my calls, emails or whatevers. And not having email for weeks at a time, months even? That's ridiculous. Anyone can get to their email these days. Plus, I thought your mom was getting you that new phone? Isn't that why you turned me down? Shouldn't you be able to call me now? It's also difficult to want to stay in touch when you promise to call back or get in touch tomorrow or next week and you never do!
Alright, enough about that.
And don't get me started on the person who is not even involved getting way to involved. Look, it's my wedding. If there's something you can help me with, great, but I am not going to ask you for any help if it means you are now bridezilla. I'm the one who gets to be crazy. Just the bride. And considering everything that is going on, I should be losing it. But, guess what? I'm not. So calm the fuck down and leave my mom alone!
I'm just going to take it all on myself and fuck all of you mother fuckers who can't figure out how to be helpful! I'll set up my own shower. I'll transport my own food. I'll build my own ceremony canopy. I'll decide on the decore, seating, invites, cake, bridal party, tuxedo, dress, hair and where we are going to live! And, I'll do my own damn make-up to boot! Fuck it!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Posting anyway
I took pictures today, and two days before that. I quit my bar tending gig. My throat is finally healing up. I'm still keeping the smoking down to a minimum for the most part. I took the dog out to play today and the park a couple times last week. I sent out the Save-The-Dates yesterday. I took a shower today.
I haven't done any yoga. I haven't written my resume. I didn't do laundry. I didn't do the dishes. I am smoking right now. I stayed on the couch all day. I hate my hair. I haven't found a caterer yet. I lost my friends, well, three of them. I didn't clean the house today. I didn't brush the dog. My computer is still broken. I need Photoshop!
I'm tired and I just want to feel like I accomplished something, anything.
I'm all over the place. I have nothing to write and everything inside my head and I can't get it out I need to keep typing and stop correcting it while I'm doing it so that it flows faster to keep up with my mind which is spinning out of control I want to feel sexy again I want to work out I want to live somewhere else and not it this god forsaken apartment anymore. I hate it here so much and Tuesday doesn't seem happy here either and Seneca isn't either
This sucks. Normally when I get the urge to write here I have something to say but tonight, I got nothing. Just babble. Nothing clear to say. My cramps are pissing me off and I can't take any of my pills because it's already so late and I'll be useless tomorrow if I take it now. Not that I have anything in particular for tomorrow as far as plans go, but I don't need to guarantee a day of nothing when there's already so much to do. Always so much to do.
I don't need to smoke more, I don't need to eat anything, I should go to sleep, and I need to do the dishes and laundry.
I feel lost and frustrated. I'm so frustrated with everything. Money, the apartment, career, the wedding, the ones I thought were my friends, my body and well, everything.
Fuck it, I'm posting this anyway
I haven't done any yoga. I haven't written my resume. I didn't do laundry. I didn't do the dishes. I am smoking right now. I stayed on the couch all day. I hate my hair. I haven't found a caterer yet. I lost my friends, well, three of them. I didn't clean the house today. I didn't brush the dog. My computer is still broken. I need Photoshop!
I'm tired and I just want to feel like I accomplished something, anything.
I'm all over the place. I have nothing to write and everything inside my head and I can't get it out I need to keep typing and stop correcting it while I'm doing it so that it flows faster to keep up with my mind which is spinning out of control I want to feel sexy again I want to work out I want to live somewhere else and not it this god forsaken apartment anymore. I hate it here so much and Tuesday doesn't seem happy here either and Seneca isn't either
This sucks. Normally when I get the urge to write here I have something to say but tonight, I got nothing. Just babble. Nothing clear to say. My cramps are pissing me off and I can't take any of my pills because it's already so late and I'll be useless tomorrow if I take it now. Not that I have anything in particular for tomorrow as far as plans go, but I don't need to guarantee a day of nothing when there's already so much to do. Always so much to do.
I don't need to smoke more, I don't need to eat anything, I should go to sleep, and I need to do the dishes and laundry.
I feel lost and frustrated. I'm so frustrated with everything. Money, the apartment, career, the wedding, the ones I thought were my friends, my body and well, everything.
Fuck it, I'm posting this anyway
Friday, May 3, 2013
Okay, so I'm putting it out there...
They say if you put the energy out there it will come back to you so I'm going to try, key word try, but really try, to send out positive energy, work energy, and prosperity. I want to truly start my career. I am not a bartender, I am not a waitress, and I am not supposed to be making such little money. I am worth more than this. I want more than this. I can do more than this!
I need to get off the couch.
I want to be inspired.
I want to work more!
I want to photograph everything. And I can.
More head shots, pictures of food, interiors, exteriors, bottles, ornaments, fashion spreads. I want to shoot more!
And the concerts.
I should see what needs to be done about getting a press pass for venues. Len will know.
I need to move, to have a real home, and to not cringe every time I need to leave the house, or come home. It's too far away and it's disgusting, both in and out side. I'm sick of this area and this management. I need people who give a shit in my general vicinity.
So, if I want all of this so badly, why can't I get up and do it. What's stopping me?! Other than the obvious,
FEAR.
What am I so scared of? I've made mistakes before and I will make many in the future. People are going to say no, a lot, but there will be the ones that say yes. If I don't ask, they'll never get a chance to say either. Why have I taken as long as humanly possible to write a resume? Just write it, proof it and print it already.
That's it, no more excuses. I'm better than this. I took some time and now, as it's been plenty if not too much time, I need to get back into it. All of it.
Wedding, Job, Apartment, Family, Portfolio, Yoga, and time with the dog even. I could be writing and painting and singing and exercising!
I've got a TAG SALE to get ready for, and plenty of photo shoots to do or work on.
Tomorrow is take care of bills day. Sunday is work. Monday is get your shit together day!!!!
DAMN IT!
Meet with Abby, and Will and talk to Len and Algis and Stephen.
Email all the people who need your help and set a day and time to work.
Have Sen cook something amazing to photograph, by a nice bottle of something and photograph it before you drink it. Come up with some funky ideas and shoot em! Go back to old ideas. Pick it back up and dust it off and get a move on!
Get a working camera!
Maybe that can be tomorrow. All you really need is a lens.
I am going to get something done tomorrow. I don't care how scared I am. Just one thing. And then one more thing the next day. Figure it out. I can do this. I will do this!
God, I sound like a self-help audio book.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
Well they do, for the most part.
Okay, now that I'm all worked up, let's try to go to bed. This should be fun.
COME AND GET ME POSITIVE ENERGY!!!!!!
I need to get off the couch.
I want to be inspired.
I want to work more!
I want to photograph everything. And I can.
More head shots, pictures of food, interiors, exteriors, bottles, ornaments, fashion spreads. I want to shoot more!
And the concerts.
I should see what needs to be done about getting a press pass for venues. Len will know.
I need to move, to have a real home, and to not cringe every time I need to leave the house, or come home. It's too far away and it's disgusting, both in and out side. I'm sick of this area and this management. I need people who give a shit in my general vicinity.
So, if I want all of this so badly, why can't I get up and do it. What's stopping me?! Other than the obvious,
FEAR.
What am I so scared of? I've made mistakes before and I will make many in the future. People are going to say no, a lot, but there will be the ones that say yes. If I don't ask, they'll never get a chance to say either. Why have I taken as long as humanly possible to write a resume? Just write it, proof it and print it already.
That's it, no more excuses. I'm better than this. I took some time and now, as it's been plenty if not too much time, I need to get back into it. All of it.
Wedding, Job, Apartment, Family, Portfolio, Yoga, and time with the dog even. I could be writing and painting and singing and exercising!
I've got a TAG SALE to get ready for, and plenty of photo shoots to do or work on.
Tomorrow is take care of bills day. Sunday is work. Monday is get your shit together day!!!!
DAMN IT!
Meet with Abby, and Will and talk to Len and Algis and Stephen.
Email all the people who need your help and set a day and time to work.
Have Sen cook something amazing to photograph, by a nice bottle of something and photograph it before you drink it. Come up with some funky ideas and shoot em! Go back to old ideas. Pick it back up and dust it off and get a move on!
Get a working camera!
Maybe that can be tomorrow. All you really need is a lens.
I am going to get something done tomorrow. I don't care how scared I am. Just one thing. And then one more thing the next day. Figure it out. I can do this. I will do this!
God, I sound like a self-help audio book.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
Well they do, for the most part.
Okay, now that I'm all worked up, let's try to go to bed. This should be fun.
COME AND GET ME POSITIVE ENERGY!!!!!!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Damn It!
I know I need to take a shower but I'm already so angry with this apartment I try not to be reminded of how much hot water we don't have. I hate it here. I don't want to see used condoms hanging from my window, I don't want to get locked out due to a busted door or lock, I don't want to wait for a problem to get fixed for 6 months, I don't want to be told I don't know what I'm talking about when I mention a problem, And I certainly don't want to feel stupid or helpless any more.
I dream of an apartment where things aren't broken, where every outlet works, where you can take a nice hot shower for 15 minutes, where I can run a bath without boiling water on the stove, where my bed won't get damaged on Christmas Eve, where I want to come home and hang things on the wall because I can.
Maybe I ask for too much.
Maybe I should just except what I have.
Maybe I could learn to live this way.
No, I am not going to settle for below legal standards! This is not okay and I, and everyone else in my building, deserve proper treatment.
I also should be able to take one day off every 6 months without difficulty or guilt.
I need to move, I need to get another job, I need to quit, I need to stretch, I need to shoot, I need to feel better than this, God Damn It!!!
Apartments should be rentable without having to make 90,000 dollars a year. Who does that anyway!
Shower and sleep, the only two things I need to do right now and they are also the only two things I can't do. Why does it have to be so damn hard to fall asleep?!? I can pass out, I can stay up all night, I can nap in the middle of the day, especially if I have something to do, but I can't just go to sleep. If I'm lucky enough to get there, it's nightmares and teeth grinding until 4 am and then what?! Nothing. Watch too many hours of TV and fall asleep right before the alarm sounds. Priceless.
I'm angry. I'm really angry and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.
I dream of an apartment where things aren't broken, where every outlet works, where you can take a nice hot shower for 15 minutes, where I can run a bath without boiling water on the stove, where my bed won't get damaged on Christmas Eve, where I want to come home and hang things on the wall because I can.
Maybe I ask for too much.
Maybe I should just except what I have.
Maybe I could learn to live this way.
No, I am not going to settle for below legal standards! This is not okay and I, and everyone else in my building, deserve proper treatment.
I also should be able to take one day off every 6 months without difficulty or guilt.
I need to move, I need to get another job, I need to quit, I need to stretch, I need to shoot, I need to feel better than this, God Damn It!!!
Apartments should be rentable without having to make 90,000 dollars a year. Who does that anyway!
Shower and sleep, the only two things I need to do right now and they are also the only two things I can't do. Why does it have to be so damn hard to fall asleep?!? I can pass out, I can stay up all night, I can nap in the middle of the day, especially if I have something to do, but I can't just go to sleep. If I'm lucky enough to get there, it's nightmares and teeth grinding until 4 am and then what?! Nothing. Watch too many hours of TV and fall asleep right before the alarm sounds. Priceless.
I'm angry. I'm really angry and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
because I refuse to stop smoking and go to sleep...
I don't really have anything insightful to say. I just lit another cigarette and have a lot of pent up energy, mostly anger, and it's makes it hard to sleep. Have you ever tried to go to sleep smoking and angry!? It's not easy. Well, lets see...
Things aren't the worst I guess but I hate my apartment and my job and I can't seem to get out of either! Or at least it's not looking to be smooth, easy or any time soon. Not that I expect it to be, but I'm not sure I have the energy to pull it off. Well, quitting the job I can do, that's easy, but finding a new one, there's the tricky part. And, honestly, if we keep on having this hot water issue, we'll probably be able to leave here too, so that's a plus. Living without hot water on a regular bases until then proves difficult though. It doesn't help that my two best girl friends are MIA and unluckly to surface any time soon. I get that things change and people change and sometimes you have to move on before you're ready too, but seriously?! Right after I ask you to be in my wedding is when you choose to, first, say yes, and then, disappear? Fuck off! I guess it's just me and the boys, which works and will be plenty fun, that's for sure. If you've ever met my two brothers from other mothers, you would know. If my dad's not up for it and my mom probably won't like the whole "spot light" thing can walk me, I should ask my actual brother. It'd be an honor to have him in there. He's not big on being the center either, though, so...
Anywho, Smoke is almost out. Maybe I should brush my teeth and try to rest. Some sort of sleep.
Cue pipes over my head to start banging.
God I hate this place.
Things aren't the worst I guess but I hate my apartment and my job and I can't seem to get out of either! Or at least it's not looking to be smooth, easy or any time soon. Not that I expect it to be, but I'm not sure I have the energy to pull it off. Well, quitting the job I can do, that's easy, but finding a new one, there's the tricky part. And, honestly, if we keep on having this hot water issue, we'll probably be able to leave here too, so that's a plus. Living without hot water on a regular bases until then proves difficult though. It doesn't help that my two best girl friends are MIA and unluckly to surface any time soon. I get that things change and people change and sometimes you have to move on before you're ready too, but seriously?! Right after I ask you to be in my wedding is when you choose to, first, say yes, and then, disappear? Fuck off! I guess it's just me and the boys, which works and will be plenty fun, that's for sure. If you've ever met my two brothers from other mothers, you would know. If my dad's not up for it and my mom probably won't like the whole "spot light" thing can walk me, I should ask my actual brother. It'd be an honor to have him in there. He's not big on being the center either, though, so...
Anywho, Smoke is almost out. Maybe I should brush my teeth and try to rest. Some sort of sleep.
Cue pipes over my head to start banging.
God I hate this place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)