What was deleted from "Damn This Laptop", an earlier post

I'm getting better, I think

There's a chance I'm getting my shit together which would be nice, considering how long I've been feeling messy.  I'm still lonely sometimes and still angry too, but it's okay.  I don't want anyone to interfere with my time and space and I don't want to have to rely on anyone or anything.  I am an independent woman and I can get through all of this just fine.  It is scary sometimes but seriously, wouldn't I rather not deal with someone else's shit while trying to take care of my own?

I figure out how to get back what I was working on when it disappears sometimes for no reason.  If you go to edit your posts, you can find anything you've done so far and post it from there.  So, I thought I'd put this up, since it would have been up weeks ago.

Today, I'm an Asshole.

I feel like an asshole and this happens often.  It's normally just fucking up.  Saying or doing something that is out of character.  Something mean or something that should have involved thinking first, but sometimes, you do really big stupid things and you work for a long time to stop regretting them.

I've done this a few times, both to myself and to others.  The hardest part for me is letting it go.  I hurt so much when I hurt another and I can't understand how I could do it.  I think most of the lingering has to do with trying to comprehend it.  I know I didn't mean it, I know I would never try to hurt these people I love, but then what the fuck happened?!?!  How did I suddenly forget this, not think at all, and tear their world apart, only to tear up my own.

My most difficult lesson so far has been to learn how to forgive myself, and  I'm really, really bad at it.  I don't know how.  I don't know how to accept doing something when I don't really understand how it was done in the first place?!

I'm not sure  how much sense this makes, but, there it is, for the most part...
Sometimes I still feel like an asshole.
Sometimes I don't know if I'll get over it.
And most of the time, it's my fault, my problem, me who won't let it go and move on and me it affects the most.

I don't really have anything else to say.  There's no epiphany or ending to this one.  I'm just an asshole sometimes, or feel like one all over again.

No more crutches!!!!

I feel like this keeps happening.  Like I keep signing on to write about feeling lonely.  If I'm starting to feel pathetic, what are you thinking reading it over and over?  I don't want to feel pathetic anymore.
I don't think it's him I miss, I think it's someone who was there for me I miss.  I do miss being able to call someone and say "help me" and they would come over and rub my feet and let me cry.  I miss feeling wanted and wanting them.  I haven't felt that spark in a while.  I miss not being serious, but being allowed to get heavy and serious sometimes.  It was like being alone and together at the same time.  I miss sitting quietly, reading my homework and watching him from the corner of my eye, pretending to be completely busy, still getting some work done and then interrupting his work for an attention brake!

Why does it matter?  He wasn't all that, and a bag of chips.  There were moments, granted, but it wasn't the best ever.  It was a crutch.  A really big crutch and that's what we said it would be since day one.  Now, here I am, walking all by my self and I seem to be struggling.  Should I really be that surprised!!??  I've been using crutches for so long.  Of course it's gonna feel weird and scary the first time out without them.  If only I could remember that.  If only I could let go easily and move forward without remembering how easy it was before.  I do better alone anyway.  I'm not in the mood to be a "girlfriend" right now.  I'm also not in the mood to make up my own closure either, but here I am.  Trying desperately to make sense of this shit!  It's not even a big deal.

I guess I just like having someone there.  I guess we all like having someone there in one way or another.  Who doesn't like to feel wanted and sexy and interesting?

Weird, I am totally getting a lot of ringing in my ear.  That means someone is thinking about me.  Right? It'd be even crazier if it was him.  Fat chance I'm sure, but still, the thought is nice.  It seems only fair that he thin f me once while I think of him all too often.

I am doing better than I was, but I wish I was over this shit.  It doesn't seem right, or fair, or healthy or anything!!!!  Why can't I just let it go?  I've already realized the impossibility of "us".  He wasn't and isn't right for me, isn't that enough to get my mind out of this shit?!!?!!?

I need a distraction.  I need to get out of here and move on and feel better and stronger and loved.  God damn, I am loved, I know this, and yet here I am at 1am wishing to be more than a random girl to a guy that can't make time to say "hey, how are you, sorry I've been busy".  This is ridiculous and it's really ridiculous because I know just how ridiculous it is and yet here I am typing away!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright.  One more cigarette and then I'll brush and floss and then I'm gonna try to walk tomorrow without any help.  No crutches, no one at all!  I need to find a way to be more than just myself, and to be more than someone looking for someone.  (Especially when I don't want to be with someone else)  Wish me luck...

It's quite nice out and I'm feeling better

I'm sure the nice weather has something to do with it but still, I'm not as bad today and I'm glad for that.  Feeling depressed and fatigued all the time can make you feel even more depressed and fatigued,  all the time.

Well, anywho, I have discovered things and am making a few things up to help myself in understanding whatever is going through other peoples heads, but instead of letting the "crazy girl" take over, I'm just deciding that I don't need them anyway!  Which is true, I don't.  I am still lonely and I do still want or feel I need attention, but not from them.  Most of the people I am missing weren't good for me to begin with.  I don't think they can understand me or do whatever it is I need done for me.  I want people around that make it easier, not harder than it already is.

I'm pretty sure this is a god idea but we'll see how long it lasts.  I fluctuate so much and I'm sure I'll be crying later, wishing some jack ass had called me.
I guess that's it for now... Not very exciting but there I am, and here I go, to shoot and make some damn pictures!!!!  Wish me luck and please feel free to keep giving me ideas of what to write about, I could use some extra inspiration if you have any to spare.

Pulled Pork for Breakfast

No need for surgery, all is well, but the dentist still sucks and hurts.  But I'm fine now.  It's 4:30 in the morning, I woke up from a really weird dream with Dane Cook in it and now I can't go back to sleep.  Granted, I'm not trying very hard, but I don't really feel that tired.  All I know is that I think I want a cigarette but I don't.  I don't want to taste that right now and I know I already had too many today.  I can feel it in my chest and throat and I don't want that to get worse.  It feels crappy enough as it is.  What I would like is to not feel like I should eat something.  I am not hungry and I already had an ice cream, a pudding snack, a jar of baby food and some Pringles.  That would seem like a good enough bedtime snack, but apparently it is not.  I don't even know what else I would eat, other that reheating the food I brought home from the bar I work at, but that's like a whole sandwich, that's a lot of food.  I'm scared it will all fit and then I'll go to sleep with a belly full out pulled pork.  If I thought I was having fucked up dreams now, just wait until the pork takes over.  Then you'll see some crazy shit.  Plus, I really want that for breakfast.

I am also having trouble sleeping due to some discomfort.  I'm taking antibiotics and they are messing with my woman parts, so, I'm in a lot of discomfort and kinda wish I wasn't a female right now.  More info than you probably needed...

Anywho,
I hope today is as nice as it was yesterday.  It was so nice.  I had a good time out there shooting, photographing the missing place or empty space and taking back all of these locations for me.  They are no longer his, they are now mine.  It was fun and everyone seemed interested when they asked what I was working on so we'll see.  Maybe this is better than I expected.

I was also recovering from a fight with my best friend, so the wine today helped...

YES, I know, I said I was taking antibiotics and now I'm drinking, it's okay, it was just today and it was only a couple of glasses.  It won't happen again.  Promise.  Well, not this week anyway.

Right, so the fight, which wasn't an actual fight.  She never allows that.  She gets out of there before there can be one and cools off and comes back to talk about it.  That's fine, that's her way, but not mine.  I know I can't understand how she feels but I don't think this is one of those "Let's take three days to think about it and then talk" kind of things.  I was louder and snappier (don't think that's really a word) than I meant to be but purely out of shock and before I could explain myself, she was gone.  Behind a locked door with the hair dryer going.  So, I waited and realized quickly, we were not going to talk about it today.  So, I went out and shot and brought home some pulled pork for breakfast.  Yeah!

My problem is the middle ground.  I'm instant.  I'm a knee jerker, if you will.  I don't have much patience and I don't care for it.  I like to talk it out or yell it out or whatever, until it is all out.  Things eat away at my insides and I know I will not find the "perfect words" to say whatever to whomever, so I just keep saying words until good ones come out that are as close to perfect as I'm gonna get.  I also understand that any relationship is a two way street and I need to have patience for others, but why is it all on me?  Why can't there be both?  I give you time and you don't take as much?  Now I've had to wait and you've had to come back sooner.  We both win.  It feels like it's always on me.  I always have to find the patience and no one has to ever hurry up and say it now for me.  It's not fair really.
Eh, whom I kidding, I'm gonna have a cigarette and try to sleep, so Ta Ta for now, and sweet dreams world!

Damn this laptop!!!

I was writing something just now and I accidently deleted it so now I have to start babbling all over again!  Okay, what do I want to say exactly anywho?...

I want to feel better and I think I'm on my way to that, but really, does it always have to seem so hard all the time?  This is annoying and frustrating!  I just want to enjoy myself and not stress out so much.  I hate feeling lonely and needy.  I'm independent and strong enough.  I don't need anyone or anything and yet... I constantly feel otherwise.  Well, not constantly, but often.  I would love for someone to make me feel special.

Okay, that's me being lazy.  I might as well go out in pajama pants...  Someone to make me feel special?!!? I can't do that myself?  I can't just know that I am and let that be enough?  I hate sharing and I'm fucking busy, so how would it work out with someone right now anyway?
Need a brake... Be right back...

Okay, I'm back but have nothing to say, so I'll try again tomorrow after the doctor.  Wish me luck, I might need surgery, but no worries just yet.