I feel like an asshole and this happens often. It's normally just fucking up. Saying or doing something that is out of character. Something mean or something that should have involved thinking first, but sometimes, you do really big stupid things and you work for a long time to stop regretting them.
I've done this a few times, both to myself and to others. The hardest part for me is letting it go. I hurt so much when I hurt another and I can't understand how I could do it. I think most of the lingering has to do with trying to comprehend it. I know I didn't mean it, I know I would never try to hurt these people I love, but then what the fuck happened?!?! How did I suddenly forget this, not think at all, and tear their world apart, only to tear up my own.
My most difficult lesson so far has been to learn how to forgive myself, and I'm really, really bad at it. I don't know how. I don't know how to accept doing something when I don't really understand how it was done in the first place?!
I'm not sure how much sense this makes, but, there it is, for the most part...
Sometimes I still feel like an asshole.
Sometimes I don't know if I'll get over it.
And most of the time, it's my fault, my problem, me who won't let it go and move on and me it affects the most.
I don't really have anything else to say. There's no epiphany or ending to this one. I'm just an asshole sometimes, or feel like one all over again.
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