No more crutches!!!!

I feel like this keeps happening.  Like I keep signing on to write about feeling lonely.  If I'm starting to feel pathetic, what are you thinking reading it over and over?  I don't want to feel pathetic anymore.
I don't think it's him I miss, I think it's someone who was there for me I miss.  I do miss being able to call someone and say "help me" and they would come over and rub my feet and let me cry.  I miss feeling wanted and wanting them.  I haven't felt that spark in a while.  I miss not being serious, but being allowed to get heavy and serious sometimes.  It was like being alone and together at the same time.  I miss sitting quietly, reading my homework and watching him from the corner of my eye, pretending to be completely busy, still getting some work done and then interrupting his work for an attention brake!

Why does it matter?  He wasn't all that, and a bag of chips.  There were moments, granted, but it wasn't the best ever.  It was a crutch.  A really big crutch and that's what we said it would be since day one.  Now, here I am, walking all by my self and I seem to be struggling.  Should I really be that surprised!!??  I've been using crutches for so long.  Of course it's gonna feel weird and scary the first time out without them.  If only I could remember that.  If only I could let go easily and move forward without remembering how easy it was before.  I do better alone anyway.  I'm not in the mood to be a "girlfriend" right now.  I'm also not in the mood to make up my own closure either, but here I am.  Trying desperately to make sense of this shit!  It's not even a big deal.

I guess I just like having someone there.  I guess we all like having someone there in one way or another.  Who doesn't like to feel wanted and sexy and interesting?

Weird, I am totally getting a lot of ringing in my ear.  That means someone is thinking about me.  Right? It'd be even crazier if it was him.  Fat chance I'm sure, but still, the thought is nice.  It seems only fair that he thin f me once while I think of him all too often.

I am doing better than I was, but I wish I was over this shit.  It doesn't seem right, or fair, or healthy or anything!!!!  Why can't I just let it go?  I've already realized the impossibility of "us".  He wasn't and isn't right for me, isn't that enough to get my mind out of this shit?!!?!!?

I need a distraction.  I need to get out of here and move on and feel better and stronger and loved.  God damn, I am loved, I know this, and yet here I am at 1am wishing to be more than a random girl to a guy that can't make time to say "hey, how are you, sorry I've been busy".  This is ridiculous and it's really ridiculous because I know just how ridiculous it is and yet here I am typing away!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright.  One more cigarette and then I'll brush and floss and then I'm gonna try to walk tomorrow without any help.  No crutches, no one at all!  I need to find a way to be more than just myself, and to be more than someone looking for someone.  (Especially when I don't want to be with someone else)  Wish me luck...