Shedding It All Off

I've decided to shed all that has been this past year, well, I guess I threw in the two years before that too.  Justin's gone, Eric's gone, and He's gone.  (Sorry, I don't mean God when I say "He", I just can't handle his name right now and don't feel like sharing that much.  We were never really together and he's not a big fan of attention.)  So, my point being, I have let it all go.  I've got to get it all out and all away from me cause it's been too much and I can't take it anymore.  I don't have to take it anymore.

I'm just in a new place, it's a new year and I am going to be 29 years old and I need to let the past be the past and move on and change and grow and... well, be myself more so than I ever have before.  I'm excited to meet myself.  She seems cool, I think I'll like her.  I think she's strong and interesting and attractive and smart and this should be fun.

I needed to shed this all.  I need to move forward and I needed drive and excitement to come back to me. I've been stuck and harping over things as usual.  It's something I do.  Well, now, I'm gonna try not to be her anymore.  I shaved it all off and left it on the floor.  If they're gonna make me feel like I was left there then that's where I'll leave them.  On the floor to sweep up and throw away!  That's all I got.  There's more going on but the words aren't there yet.  A lot of it is still with out words, no description, just a feeling and the feeling is good.  I think I'm gonna be okay.

I miss sleeping, don't you?

So, she thought to her self, she thought, "Self, this is it"  Here we are.  Right where we want to be and Her own response was, "Why doesn't it feel any better than?"  Good question.  Why does it still feel like it's not okay?  What more do you have to ask for?  Things are going not only as planned but probably better than expected.  And yet here she was, lighting another cigarette... There's only one more beer after this, you know.  Probably just leave it for later, next time you need a little something.

She was also wondering if the sage would help.  There have been a lot of nightmares lately and so she burned some sage to cleanse her room and self.  At least it makes the place smell nice.  Hope it chases this shit out of here too.  She knew it was mostly in her own head, all of these nightmares.  People attacking her, chasing her, and cutting her open.  It happens even more so when she has cramps.  They seem to take over the dreams and the pain gets acted out from real life into nightmare form.  Maybe the cramps will stay at bay tonight.  She could use a decent nights sleep.  It had been a while.  Weeks, I think.  It's either been tossing and turning, no sleep at all, nightmares, NyQuil or flu/fever induced, or just passing out after a long long night with drinking of course.  None of these are a good way for her to get some rest.  In fact, none of them actually involve resting.  It's just the illusion of resting but meanwhile the mind is still racing.  She could really use a brake.  So much all the time going over and over again in her head.  It's tiring just thinking about it.  But it's always the same story.  She gets tired.  She brushes her teeth.  She lays down almost already sleeping.  And then... the voices start...
Did you remember to do that thing?
Don't forget to bring that to class tomorrow.
You should get to Yoga.
You should do laundry.
Are you ever gonna get that website together?
You should have walked Tuesday.
I want another cigarette.
Make sure you do the dishes in the morning since you left them all there tonight.
Do you think he'll call?
Will it be tonight?
Should I turn off the ringer so he doesn't wake me up?
Am I ever gonna fall asleep in the first place?
You have a lot of reading to do.
You should clean your damn room!
Why am I thinking about him?
Does he still like me?
Does it even matter?
Do I really like him so much that I'm gonna harp over this shit?
No, really, does this matter?
Will that other guy call me?
Can I really be that upset about one if I'm also thinking of another?
Do I make any sense at all!?!
Why don't you just get up and do all that stuff you have to do if you're gonna just lie here and think about it all night instead of sleeping?
Shhhh, just get some sleep.  Worry about it later, tomorrow.
No, seriously, get some fucking sleep already!
My feet are freezing.
I need to take better care of myself.
I need to stop complaining about all of this shit and fix it.  
It wouldn't be so bad if I exercised and drank more water and took my pills.
Go to the doctor already.
You should have written this all down.   You're just gonna forget it all in the morning.
Who are you kidding?  The morning?  You'll be lucky if you get up before eleven.
Why do I keep sleeping so late?
Why can't I just get up an more?
Maybe cause you're not sleeping you idiot!
Okay, now you really need to pick one, GO TO SLEEP OR GET UP AND WORK!!!!!

Well, now I am tired, but I can guarantee that I'll go brush my teeth and lay down only to start the cycle again.  God Damn it!  I just want to sleep!!!!

It was either that or Benadryl

I thought I was fine, but as it turns out, not so much...

I can't sleep, so I drank some NyQuil.  I don't like to do that and don't do it often but I am not sure how else to get my brain to shut the fuck up.  It seems like the more I try to get it out the more worked up I get.  So, I can talk about it and write about it, but I will still need to talk or write about it, and I need to sleep!

On a similar subject, how is it that I can go so far on a subject inside my head, to over analyze something or someone to the point of insanity, when I even know that this is crazy and yet still can't stop.  Okay, I know that actually makes me sound more crazy, but seriously.  I know the thoughts in my head don't make sense and I know what's happening but I can't stop it.

For those of you at home, I am obsessing over a guy.  I guy that I am not involved with officially.  A guy the I don't even think I'm ready to be involved with but still a guy that I like and that hasn't talked to me in weeks.  I keep saying that I just want to know where I stand but I already do.  I'm now the girl that he isn't calling and might not call for a long time or ever.  I'm not as important right now, for whatever the reason.  He might be depressed or scared or moving on but what ever it is, it's not me.  So, why can't I sleep?  Why am I trying so hard to figure out what is going on?   Why do I give a shit!?!?

I need to relax and get over it.  I need to let it go.  We always want things to be clear and easy but things are almost never clear and easy.  Closure is something most never receive and I am not any exception.  This is just ridiculous.  I seem to have started a blog to vent at random strangers or people I know, even funnier, about mundane stupid, slightly crazy, shit!  Although, on a side note, I did not tell him about this blog.  I knew better when it got started.

Well, on that note, I will leave you with my babble and brush my teeth again and hope to not smoke another cigarette.  The last one I had didn't even taste that good.  Maybe I'll get some rest.  Granted, it might only be physical since it's gonna be induced by cold medicine and my mind will keep going anyway, but I settle for that for now.  I'm just so damn tired and hope to get things done tomorrow.  Thanks for listening, I guess, or reading, technically.

Truly Random Babble, or something

I'm not sure I can handle this.  You know, the whole "put yourself forward and work really hard and get a job in the field you love and make it" thing.  It's scary.  Really scary.  I can barely get the things on my "to do "list done and that's simple shit, groceries, laundry, put a shelf up.  Do you know how long it took me to put that shelf up?  Like 3 months!!

Okay, seriously, is this interesting enough to put out there.  Does anyone really want to hear how scared I am even though I'm doing it and I'll be fine and it's not a big deal?  Or it is a big deal and I'm too scared to admit to it?  I don't know, this whole writing to anonymous people thing is great, but I don't want to be another stupid blog site.
One more cigarette, that means I had eight today.  It could stay at seven, but I'm a little stressed and I'm not tired yet.  Both horrible excuses to smoke and yet here I am...

So, it's snowing, a lot.  I like the snow.  It's comforting almost.  I don't have any specific plans tomorrow so I should be able to enjoy it.  I want to take Tuesday to the park in this.  (Tuesday is the dog for those of you at home)  (Oh, and a super cute one at that)  Get to the grocery store, and buy a pair of black pants.  Obviously not at the grocery store, I have a different list for that.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy and excited and enjoying the new semester and going to start a new job and see more art on Thursday and met back up with an old friend and realized I will be fine, eventually, even if he never calls me again.  But part of me still suffers in a way.  Depression is funny that way.  Not so much Funny, Ha Ha, but more like huh.  It just makes things feel weird makes you feel weird.  I need to get over this shit, seriously.  For serious!!!

Okay, not the best post ever, but there it is and I can't keep going cause my battery is almost dead and I'm too lazy to get the cord.  Whatever, I'm too hard on myself all the time anyway.

Please keep giving me topics people.  I like to write about things and see where it ends up.  Any suggestions?

Flexible Babies and Cancer (but not at the same time)

It really is amazing how flexible babies can be.  Do they stretch inside the womb?  Are we just born able to reach our feet into our mouths and then the weight of the world tenses us up until we cant' even touch our toes?  How does that happen?  It's crazy, the way our bodies close down, which brings me to the cancer...

Also amazing in it's way of taking people down to nothing.  And that it can sometimes be a driving force.  When I had a scare, it made me want to live life more so, and when others have unfortunately left us due to cancer, it also made me want to live more so than I do now.  And sometimes it's an answer to something that hasn't made sense for years and makes you feel better because you now have an answer from all the tests and you're not as scared because they can get all of it and you now know that you're not crazy and there was something wrong and you just feel relief.  It's kind of hard to explain if you haven't struggled with physical shit for a long time.  But if you've had every doctors visit and test come back without a single answer, you start to freak out.  So, when they finally tell you it is cancer, you are almost happy, not because it's cancer, but because they now know what is wrong and can do something about it.

Other than that, I'm not sure what else to say.  I still haven't received a phone call and I might just have to call him to see if we're still even friends.  I'm not sure that's really possible but still. I need to know where I kind of stand.  Okay, seriously, you need to get over this shit.  You don't even want him as a permanent fixture in your life, right?  You don't want a relationship.  You don't need this shit right now, are you really that caught up in him?  I guess there is something or you wouldn't be this strung out in a way.  I know you're handling this quite well, but if you keep talking about it then there is more to it than you're admitting to yourself...

Whatever.  I've got school tomorrow.  Almost there.  Which I don't want to be.  Then I have to be serious and work hard.  School is my brake from real life, and when it's over, I'll have to be an adult and back at work.  I don't want to be back at work and struggling again.

Oh shit, I almost called him.  Fuck!  What is wrong with me?  and more so, what the fuck is wrong with him?!?!!?  Why hasn't he called me, just to say "hi" or to let me know he's back in the city or whatever.  Or, god forbid, that he missed me too!!!!!  Bastard!  I can't deal with this shit right now, I'm busy.  Tomorrow is a big day and it's one in the morning and I have to be in the west side by noon.  Genocide!  How exciting!  That's the first class  I have, and then Modern Reason.  Quite an exciting Monday.  We'll see.

Okay, seriously, this will hurt a little, a lot more than I would have expected.  Maybe he'll call anyway and I am totally over reacting.  I'm always over reacting.  Fuck.  I'm a sucker.  I'm a total sucker!  What am I thinking, what was I thinking?!?  Shit.  Nothing I can do now.  Smoke another cigarette and deal I guess.  Stone Temple Pilots is helping.

At least it's not Justin again.  Thank god for that.  That was scary.  Still is a little.  And it's been coming up in conversation a lot lately, which is fine, I guess, but I don't really want to relive that shit.  I also don't want to suddenly remember what worked out and start missing him either.  I can never go back, ever.  It was not me and he was never gonna let me be me.  With or without alcohol.
Okay, I'm all done I guess.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!

I'm bloated and a little crazy

For starters it doesn't help that I've been watching TV and eating salted nuts for two hours, but you gotta admit it.  We all are a little crazy.  I call her my "crazy girl".  You know, al those stupid thoughts that blow everything way out of proportion.  Our imaginations run wild.  I used to image amazing things like when I was a little girl riding in the car with my mom, I would imagine an entire herd of horses running along side us.  It was difficult for my mom considering I was constantly yelling out "Watch out!" due to her almost running some of them over.  but still, i would imagine these stallions running with us even if we were just going to the deli down the road to get cold cuts.

Now, well, now I imagine failing a test, or falling down the stairs, or being in the hospital, or a guy not calling me because he has found the love of his life in the past two days and no longer wants anything to do with me.  How is this possible!!??!  When did my imagination decide to turn on me?  When did hope leave and fear take its place.

Granted, it doesn't help when they guy follows the don't call for three days crap.  i don't think they understand what our minds are capable of in those three days.

That's who I call the "crazy girl".  It's the voice in the back of my head that makes up all this shit, and helps me overanalyze and look way to far into the future.  The crazy shit, like:  I need to know where we stand even though I don't want a relationship and I want to see other people and will tell you it's okay but I lose my mind every night I don't see you cause I think you're using those condoms on some other girl and she's better than me.  Or worse, she means nothing, which only means neither do I.

See, that's what I' m talking about.  Crazy!
I don't want to know, I don't care, I don't want you to love me and I certainly don't won't to be a girlfriend.  That's when the crazy girl gets seriously crazy.

So, here I am, bloated, lonely, smoking another cigarette, bored, and I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour either.  Even worse than that is if he calls, I'll tell him to come over.  I better stay strong, no entry after midnight.  He's got 16 minutes.  I should be safe from that, but can I keep it up at 2am?  I've got a lot of shit to do tomorrow, why do you think I'm not drinking?  Well, I am trying to take a brake, but I also know what position that puts me in.  I am the worst drunk dialer.  I'll keep calling till something happens.  It's not good, cause sometimes you call so many that you start dialing numbers you wouldn't believe and those are always the ones to answer.  It's a hole I plan to stop digging.

So, anyway, There are groceries, websites, cleaning, editing, emailing and god knows what else to do tomorrow.  On a side note, I can't believe there is only one "t" in "editing".  Shouldn't it be "editting" because of the sound the "i" makes?  English is so confusing.  You'd think learning another language for us would be easy considering how retarded ours is.  Like any other language would seem easy cause it made sense.  Oh well.  I guess that's it.  I guess I can vent more tomorrow, starting with why babies are so flexible and thank god it's cancer.

Dream Crusher

I vent better when someone else asks me to write about a "topic" rather than just trying to get whatever is in  out on to the paper.  So I asked my roommate to give me a topic and she chose the snow falling on the park, at which I replied, you mean the garden?  She told me I was crushing her dreams, hence, the title of today.
And, yes, it is snowing.  And, yes, the park or garden or whatever looks beautiful.  But it's still cold and muddy and slushy.  It's the kind of day that wants to make you curl up in bed and sleep through it all.  But I'm actually awake today and I sleep all the time, so the weather and I are at a stand still.  I wonder who will win.  Maybe it'll be me and I can finally get this web site together that I've talked about since last year. That'd be nice.
Okay, seriously, I'm losing it.  I've been single for almost a year and I'm happy about it, but there is someone I have been seeing and he hasn't called in weeks.  Did he move on?  Did he finally find a girl that isn't me?  Someone that fits into his little world without purple hair?  I'm not the kind you would find with a jock and I'm not the kind who stays home and out of the way.  I too like to go out with the guys and watch the game.  I like to be social and I am sick of being the "secret"  I was always the secret, the girl you call in the middle of the night to meet up with quietly.  The one who has nothing to do you your actual life.  Just something to kill the time until something else shows up and then you go off and marry her.  I'm the one who hands them off better than they came in.  Granted, I am drawn to the "fixer uppers" but once they're all better, that's it.
My dog is funny, she has to keep all the doors open in the house so that she can see everyone all the time.  And I can't believe I forgot the delivery price at IKEA.  I've got two roommates and they had some questions so there was a little bit of a interruption.  No worries.
Where was I...  Oh, yes, fuck em!  I am not going to be this secret tucked away in some dark 3am corner.  I am not going to sit by the phone and wait for him to let me know when he isn't busy with all his other friends.  I am going to be in charge of my life and my time.  I am going to go out and treat my self good and enjoy this time, while I'm single and loving the city and not let anyone else get in my way. I will have a love affair with this city.  I will let it take care of me.
Speaking of taking care of me, I should really eat something and take a shower.  And get this damn web site going.
If anyone is reading this, I ask a favor...  Ask me to write about something.  Give me a topic or and idea. A sound or a smell.  Something, and I'll write about it.

So...

I needed to write cause I can't sleep and I have too much in my head and I like writing.  Everyone has been talking about blogs for so long and I never even looked at one and I so here I am at 2 in the morning writing my first blog ever!  Exciting I guess.
But now for me to, well, let go i guess...

There is so much going on, all the time and I feel so overwhelmed and worried and tired.  I sleep all the time.  Can't get up.  What is going on with me?  Things are well, I'm doing great and yet, I'm numb, so fucking numb!  It's like I'm stuck.  I'm not as inspired as I remember or energetic or excited and social.  It's like I was in a depression and took medication and it's not working and only making me numb instead of feeling, or manic.  I don't know if you've ever had medication mess you up before, but if you have, you probably know how I feel.  It doesn't make any sense.  And I wish I had something better to write.  This seems boring to me.  I wouldn't want to sign on to some site and read this.  Oh, great, I found another site where someone is whining.  Get up!! Go outside you idiot!!!  Get over it, you fine!

Well, there you have it, I'm not sure if this is even making me feel better.  I think I'm getting more upset about having nothing to say...
Maybe I just wanted an excuse to bitch and smoke a cigarette without actually talking to anyone.  It's my first time, so don't judge me too much.   I'm just trying to get some sleep, which seems impossible unless it's 1 in the afternoon and I have a lot of shit to do.  Speaking of which, I should try to get some sleep so that I can attack my always overflowing "To Do" list in the morning.  Ha!  Morning, who am I kidding.  I'll start around noon and see how it goes from there.