Flexible Babies and Cancer (but not at the same time)

It really is amazing how flexible babies can be.  Do they stretch inside the womb?  Are we just born able to reach our feet into our mouths and then the weight of the world tenses us up until we cant' even touch our toes?  How does that happen?  It's crazy, the way our bodies close down, which brings me to the cancer...

Also amazing in it's way of taking people down to nothing.  And that it can sometimes be a driving force.  When I had a scare, it made me want to live life more so, and when others have unfortunately left us due to cancer, it also made me want to live more so than I do now.  And sometimes it's an answer to something that hasn't made sense for years and makes you feel better because you now have an answer from all the tests and you're not as scared because they can get all of it and you now know that you're not crazy and there was something wrong and you just feel relief.  It's kind of hard to explain if you haven't struggled with physical shit for a long time.  But if you've had every doctors visit and test come back without a single answer, you start to freak out.  So, when they finally tell you it is cancer, you are almost happy, not because it's cancer, but because they now know what is wrong and can do something about it.

Other than that, I'm not sure what else to say.  I still haven't received a phone call and I might just have to call him to see if we're still even friends.  I'm not sure that's really possible but still. I need to know where I kind of stand.  Okay, seriously, you need to get over this shit.  You don't even want him as a permanent fixture in your life, right?  You don't want a relationship.  You don't need this shit right now, are you really that caught up in him?  I guess there is something or you wouldn't be this strung out in a way.  I know you're handling this quite well, but if you keep talking about it then there is more to it than you're admitting to yourself...

Whatever.  I've got school tomorrow.  Almost there.  Which I don't want to be.  Then I have to be serious and work hard.  School is my brake from real life, and when it's over, I'll have to be an adult and back at work.  I don't want to be back at work and struggling again.

Oh shit, I almost called him.  Fuck!  What is wrong with me?  and more so, what the fuck is wrong with him?!?!!?  Why hasn't he called me, just to say "hi" or to let me know he's back in the city or whatever.  Or, god forbid, that he missed me too!!!!!  Bastard!  I can't deal with this shit right now, I'm busy.  Tomorrow is a big day and it's one in the morning and I have to be in the west side by noon.  Genocide!  How exciting!  That's the first class  I have, and then Modern Reason.  Quite an exciting Monday.  We'll see.

Okay, seriously, this will hurt a little, a lot more than I would have expected.  Maybe he'll call anyway and I am totally over reacting.  I'm always over reacting.  Fuck.  I'm a sucker.  I'm a total sucker!  What am I thinking, what was I thinking?!?  Shit.  Nothing I can do now.  Smoke another cigarette and deal I guess.  Stone Temple Pilots is helping.

At least it's not Justin again.  Thank god for that.  That was scary.  Still is a little.  And it's been coming up in conversation a lot lately, which is fine, I guess, but I don't really want to relive that shit.  I also don't want to suddenly remember what worked out and start missing him either.  I can never go back, ever.  It was not me and he was never gonna let me be me.  With or without alcohol.
Okay, I'm all done I guess.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!