So, she thought to her self, she thought, "Self, this is it" Here we are. Right where we want to be and Her own response was, "Why doesn't it feel any better than?" Good question. Why does it still feel like it's not okay? What more do you have to ask for? Things are going not only as planned but probably better than expected. And yet here she was, lighting another cigarette... There's only one more beer after this, you know. Probably just leave it for later, next time you need a little something.
She was also wondering if the sage would help. There have been a lot of nightmares lately and so she burned some sage to cleanse her room and self. At least it makes the place smell nice. Hope it chases this shit out of here too. She knew it was mostly in her own head, all of these nightmares. People attacking her, chasing her, and cutting her open. It happens even more so when she has cramps. They seem to take over the dreams and the pain gets acted out from real life into nightmare form. Maybe the cramps will stay at bay tonight. She could use a decent nights sleep. It had been a while. Weeks, I think. It's either been tossing and turning, no sleep at all, nightmares, NyQuil or flu/fever induced, or just passing out after a long long night with drinking of course. None of these are a good way for her to get some rest. In fact, none of them actually involve resting. It's just the illusion of resting but meanwhile the mind is still racing. She could really use a brake. So much all the time going over and over again in her head. It's tiring just thinking about it. But it's always the same story. She gets tired. She brushes her teeth. She lays down almost already sleeping. And then... the voices start...
Did you remember to do that thing?
Don't forget to bring that to class tomorrow.
You should get to Yoga.
You should do laundry.
Are you ever gonna get that website together?
You should have walked Tuesday.
I want another cigarette.
Make sure you do the dishes in the morning since you left them all there tonight.
Do you think he'll call?
Will it be tonight?
Should I turn off the ringer so he doesn't wake me up?
Am I ever gonna fall asleep in the first place?
You have a lot of reading to do.
You should clean your damn room!
Why am I thinking about him?
Does he still like me?
Does it even matter?
Do I really like him so much that I'm gonna harp over this shit?
No, really, does this matter?
Will that other guy call me?
Can I really be that upset about one if I'm also thinking of another?
Do I make any sense at all!?!
Why don't you just get up and do all that stuff you have to do if you're gonna just lie here and think about it all night instead of sleeping?
Shhhh, just get some sleep. Worry about it later, tomorrow.
No, seriously, get some fucking sleep already!
My feet are freezing.
I need to take better care of myself.
I need to stop complaining about all of this shit and fix it.
It wouldn't be so bad if I exercised and drank more water and took my pills.
Go to the doctor already.
You should have written this all down. You're just gonna forget it all in the morning.
Who are you kidding? The morning? You'll be lucky if you get up before eleven.
Why do I keep sleeping so late?
Why can't I just get up an more?
Maybe cause you're not sleeping you idiot!
Okay, now you really need to pick one, GO TO SLEEP OR GET UP AND WORK!!!!!
Well, now I am tired, but I can guarantee that I'll go brush my teeth and lay down only to start the cycle again. God Damn it! I just want to sleep!!!!
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