Come To The Show!!!!!

I'm a big fat slacker!!!

So, I haven't been around in a while and I'm sorry for that, damn, since may!  I can't believe I haven't felt the need to vent to millions of strangers in that long?  Weird!  Anywho, here i am...
Total chaos.  Back i nschool losing my mind, serious family drama which is actually serious and not that day time bullshit you see on DAYS of OUR LIVeS.  can't believe those are dying off by the way.  I mean, how can the soap opera industry crumble?  that's just crazy?!?!  Now I know the economy is dead.
Anyway...  Right, so school, family, home is also a little crazy, roommate with a broken heart, never a good thing.  I know she'll pull throught this and onlt stand twice as tall after but we're in the storm now.  On the plus side my love life and my dog are health and growing.  I'm happy even though I'm crazy.
The main problem is that I can't seem to get it together to take care of my own health.  Which is ridiculous. I mean, who wants to be i this much pain?  I don't and yet i can't seem to get off my ass or off my feet and make it all better.  Yoga would make all the difference, but the nagain, why am i surprised that I can't make time to go to a class that's an hour long, that takes a half hour to an hour to get to and then again to come home, which normally leads to a shower as well.  That's an extra two to three hours a day.  Add in all my classes, full days work on sunday ( yeah, i know, i only work one day, but i would take more shifts if they were available and its still a lot to deal with)  Antoher hour or three to take care of the dog every single day!  And then finding time to shoot, print, edit, email everyone waiting for images i have promised them for a year or so now, sleep, eat, and still have time to feel like a human (or a young woman living in NYC with a loving boyfriend enjoying her life).
I just feel like there is not enough time in the world and i knwo i'm not alone in this so why odn't i just fiucking go to yoga already!?!?!!?
Well, I am super tired, have class in the morning and still have some serious stomach issues to deal with so I'm off to the bathroom, then brush the teeth, then bed!  I don't even have time to edit the crappy speeling in this post right now.  Hoep to be back and venting or babbling or whatever soon....

I hate umbrella's in New YOrk CIty!

So, I have ti do the dishes in the morning cause if someone else does them before me I will lose my mind.  Is it that hard to scrub a dish clean?  You would think not, but apparently, we are mistaken.  Oh well, what are you gonna do...
So, I haven't been around much and there is a lot to catch up on.  That asshole is still an asshole and tried to call me on my new boyfriends birthday.  I was surprised.  I thought he might have truly given up.  its weird when you find out they still think of you.  everyone says its a booty call and I'm sure it is, but he did fall for me a little so I know it's more than that.  He missed the boat on that shit.  To start with he was already losing the battle, he would have been another shitty boyfriend in a line of shitty boyfriends, but now... He doesn't even know that there is someone new that puts him to shame.  The bar has been set way to high for him to even attempt a come back.
And obviously, I have a boyfriend, and he is awesome!  But I'm not here to be all cheesy and shit, so...

Now that  time has gone by since the funeral I feel like I can talk about it more clearly.  It was so weird to be in that place with those people.  Not seeing your family for so long and then getting them all together at once is scary.  It was much smoother than you wold ever expect but we still had our moments.  I lost it at the very end and yelled at my mom and uncle.  My brother lost his meal, but i got to be the one to hold back all of his amazing hair and have never felt closer to him.  I finally met the cutest little girl, my cousin's daughter, and now know what all the hype is for.
Damn, I feel like I'm just babbling, as usual I guess, but still, I'd rather not.  I'd rather write you something intense and beautiful.  Something you would want to read.  Not a list of things that I have done or had happen to me.
My body is acting up a lot again.  The pain was so that I cried myself to sleep the other night, wondering why it had to be me.  What did I do to deserve this?!  I don't truly believe that I deserve it, but sometimes you feel like it really is your fault and that Karma is being a bitch just for you.  It sucks.  I get scared and overwhelmed, especially since I know there is nothing that can be done.  There is no cure for me.  Nothing at all.
So, I'm just sitting on the fire escape in the rain, which I probably shouldn't be typing in and wondering if one more cigarette is a good idea or not.  I have only had a few today, so one more isn't the end of the world I guess.  Damn, I really thought I had something to say tonight.  4 something in the morning and I got nothing.  Other than people with umbrellas in the city piss me off to no end.  Please do not stand under the awning at the bus stop with your umbrella open!!!  It's ridiculous and keeps people like me from being about to get out of the rain for two seconds, you bastards!!!!
Alright, my computer is getting wet and I'm gonna smoke.

RIP and move on I guess...

So, I am doing well,  Things of course are  still crazy, but they're coming together.  I have a lot of things to take care of in the next weeks that involve my future, both in life and school so it's a little heavy.  But it could be worse.  I still haven't heard from the asshole, and unfortunately buried my uncle this past weekend.  That was intense.  I haven't really talked about it too much because I don't think my mind is ready to handle it.  There are so many layers...

My family, the bigger more extensive one, hasn't gotten along in a long time and they all gathered for this, so that was a little scary.  No one knew what to expect.
There was also going to be a lot of alcohol involved which can always lead to the even more unexpected.
The kids were there, all for of his kids.  Two are older and may have found ways easier for them to cope but the other two are still so young and fragile, it couldn't have been easy.
Then, for me, there is the stuff I learned.  I already knew things ca be hidden or talked down or up depending on the situation.  Hell, I used to think my whole family really liked each other until I was older.  But this time, the problem is that all I have been fed about my uncle has been negative.  All of it.  I have never heard a nice thing about him until his funeral.  Even his first ex-wife had soft things to say and I thought she would be the one to never ever say something nice about the man.
So, here I am wondering how all of this positive shit got left out all the time.
He was so creative and talented and unique and wanted every person to be there own person.  It's almost funny now to learn what we had in common.
But at the time and still a little today, it stings.  I have been educated through a filter.  And all the anger and resentment could have been less.  It's hard to let go of that much anger, you know.

Well, I'm too tired to keep writing and I need to relax and continue on being unique and pushing through life to get all that I can from it, so with that, I will leave you and... I don't know, I guess I'll just go and brush my teeth.

Hey, How are you?

That was the text I recieved last night, and boy did it knock me over.  How am I?!!?  How am I?!?! Let me tell you just how I am.....

I can't believe I got the chance, but I did!  I got to tell him to go fuck himself.  It was amazing!!  Holy shit, closure feels so good!  I got to say everything, every little thing that's been stuck inside my head.  How much it hurt, what I was thinking, making up, all the nightmares and how much even my body has gotten fucked up!  I made him tell me everything too.  I made him admit that he was an idiot, and scared and thoughtless and that it was over.  I made him say goodbye to me, and he didn't want to.  It felt amazing.  Did I already say that?  Well, that's how amazing it was, so amazing I'm going to keep saying it!  He loves the shaved head too, that was a nice kicker!  Sucks to be you!!!!!!  I'm so much lighter.  I feel so much better.  It's taken forever it seems, but it's finally OVER!  Thank god for that. I mean, I don't believe in him and all, but this was so amazing, I just might start!  What an asshole!  God I feel good.  I'm done.  Done done.  And not a moment too soon.  I erased everything.  It's all gone.  I'm free and happy and okay.  My back still hurts, I'm hung over and my knee is trying to give out on me but I couldn't be better.  Fuck yeah! I'll probably have another entry about this, a more poetic one I think later, but here is the raw Yahoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!  for now.

What was deleted from "Damn This Laptop", an earlier post

I'm getting better, I think

There's a chance I'm getting my shit together which would be nice, considering how long I've been feeling messy.  I'm still lonely sometimes and still angry too, but it's okay.  I don't want anyone to interfere with my time and space and I don't want to have to rely on anyone or anything.  I am an independent woman and I can get through all of this just fine.  It is scary sometimes but seriously, wouldn't I rather not deal with someone else's shit while trying to take care of my own?

I figure out how to get back what I was working on when it disappears sometimes for no reason.  If you go to edit your posts, you can find anything you've done so far and post it from there.  So, I thought I'd put this up, since it would have been up weeks ago.

Today, I'm an Asshole.

I feel like an asshole and this happens often.  It's normally just fucking up.  Saying or doing something that is out of character.  Something mean or something that should have involved thinking first, but sometimes, you do really big stupid things and you work for a long time to stop regretting them.

I've done this a few times, both to myself and to others.  The hardest part for me is letting it go.  I hurt so much when I hurt another and I can't understand how I could do it.  I think most of the lingering has to do with trying to comprehend it.  I know I didn't mean it, I know I would never try to hurt these people I love, but then what the fuck happened?!?!  How did I suddenly forget this, not think at all, and tear their world apart, only to tear up my own.

My most difficult lesson so far has been to learn how to forgive myself, and  I'm really, really bad at it.  I don't know how.  I don't know how to accept doing something when I don't really understand how it was done in the first place?!

I'm not sure  how much sense this makes, but, there it is, for the most part...
Sometimes I still feel like an asshole.
Sometimes I don't know if I'll get over it.
And most of the time, it's my fault, my problem, me who won't let it go and move on and me it affects the most.

I don't really have anything else to say.  There's no epiphany or ending to this one.  I'm just an asshole sometimes, or feel like one all over again.

No more crutches!!!!

I feel like this keeps happening.  Like I keep signing on to write about feeling lonely.  If I'm starting to feel pathetic, what are you thinking reading it over and over?  I don't want to feel pathetic anymore.
I don't think it's him I miss, I think it's someone who was there for me I miss.  I do miss being able to call someone and say "help me" and they would come over and rub my feet and let me cry.  I miss feeling wanted and wanting them.  I haven't felt that spark in a while.  I miss not being serious, but being allowed to get heavy and serious sometimes.  It was like being alone and together at the same time.  I miss sitting quietly, reading my homework and watching him from the corner of my eye, pretending to be completely busy, still getting some work done and then interrupting his work for an attention brake!

Why does it matter?  He wasn't all that, and a bag of chips.  There were moments, granted, but it wasn't the best ever.  It was a crutch.  A really big crutch and that's what we said it would be since day one.  Now, here I am, walking all by my self and I seem to be struggling.  Should I really be that surprised!!??  I've been using crutches for so long.  Of course it's gonna feel weird and scary the first time out without them.  If only I could remember that.  If only I could let go easily and move forward without remembering how easy it was before.  I do better alone anyway.  I'm not in the mood to be a "girlfriend" right now.  I'm also not in the mood to make up my own closure either, but here I am.  Trying desperately to make sense of this shit!  It's not even a big deal.

I guess I just like having someone there.  I guess we all like having someone there in one way or another.  Who doesn't like to feel wanted and sexy and interesting?

Weird, I am totally getting a lot of ringing in my ear.  That means someone is thinking about me.  Right? It'd be even crazier if it was him.  Fat chance I'm sure, but still, the thought is nice.  It seems only fair that he thin f me once while I think of him all too often.

I am doing better than I was, but I wish I was over this shit.  It doesn't seem right, or fair, or healthy or anything!!!!  Why can't I just let it go?  I've already realized the impossibility of "us".  He wasn't and isn't right for me, isn't that enough to get my mind out of this shit?!!?!!?

I need a distraction.  I need to get out of here and move on and feel better and stronger and loved.  God damn, I am loved, I know this, and yet here I am at 1am wishing to be more than a random girl to a guy that can't make time to say "hey, how are you, sorry I've been busy".  This is ridiculous and it's really ridiculous because I know just how ridiculous it is and yet here I am typing away!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright.  One more cigarette and then I'll brush and floss and then I'm gonna try to walk tomorrow without any help.  No crutches, no one at all!  I need to find a way to be more than just myself, and to be more than someone looking for someone.  (Especially when I don't want to be with someone else)  Wish me luck...

It's quite nice out and I'm feeling better

I'm sure the nice weather has something to do with it but still, I'm not as bad today and I'm glad for that.  Feeling depressed and fatigued all the time can make you feel even more depressed and fatigued,  all the time.

Well, anywho, I have discovered things and am making a few things up to help myself in understanding whatever is going through other peoples heads, but instead of letting the "crazy girl" take over, I'm just deciding that I don't need them anyway!  Which is true, I don't.  I am still lonely and I do still want or feel I need attention, but not from them.  Most of the people I am missing weren't good for me to begin with.  I don't think they can understand me or do whatever it is I need done for me.  I want people around that make it easier, not harder than it already is.

I'm pretty sure this is a god idea but we'll see how long it lasts.  I fluctuate so much and I'm sure I'll be crying later, wishing some jack ass had called me.
I guess that's it for now... Not very exciting but there I am, and here I go, to shoot and make some damn pictures!!!!  Wish me luck and please feel free to keep giving me ideas of what to write about, I could use some extra inspiration if you have any to spare.

Pulled Pork for Breakfast

No need for surgery, all is well, but the dentist still sucks and hurts.  But I'm fine now.  It's 4:30 in the morning, I woke up from a really weird dream with Dane Cook in it and now I can't go back to sleep.  Granted, I'm not trying very hard, but I don't really feel that tired.  All I know is that I think I want a cigarette but I don't.  I don't want to taste that right now and I know I already had too many today.  I can feel it in my chest and throat and I don't want that to get worse.  It feels crappy enough as it is.  What I would like is to not feel like I should eat something.  I am not hungry and I already had an ice cream, a pudding snack, a jar of baby food and some Pringles.  That would seem like a good enough bedtime snack, but apparently it is not.  I don't even know what else I would eat, other that reheating the food I brought home from the bar I work at, but that's like a whole sandwich, that's a lot of food.  I'm scared it will all fit and then I'll go to sleep with a belly full out pulled pork.  If I thought I was having fucked up dreams now, just wait until the pork takes over.  Then you'll see some crazy shit.  Plus, I really want that for breakfast.

I am also having trouble sleeping due to some discomfort.  I'm taking antibiotics and they are messing with my woman parts, so, I'm in a lot of discomfort and kinda wish I wasn't a female right now.  More info than you probably needed...

Anywho,
I hope today is as nice as it was yesterday.  It was so nice.  I had a good time out there shooting, photographing the missing place or empty space and taking back all of these locations for me.  They are no longer his, they are now mine.  It was fun and everyone seemed interested when they asked what I was working on so we'll see.  Maybe this is better than I expected.

I was also recovering from a fight with my best friend, so the wine today helped...

YES, I know, I said I was taking antibiotics and now I'm drinking, it's okay, it was just today and it was only a couple of glasses.  It won't happen again.  Promise.  Well, not this week anyway.

Right, so the fight, which wasn't an actual fight.  She never allows that.  She gets out of there before there can be one and cools off and comes back to talk about it.  That's fine, that's her way, but not mine.  I know I can't understand how she feels but I don't think this is one of those "Let's take three days to think about it and then talk" kind of things.  I was louder and snappier (don't think that's really a word) than I meant to be but purely out of shock and before I could explain myself, she was gone.  Behind a locked door with the hair dryer going.  So, I waited and realized quickly, we were not going to talk about it today.  So, I went out and shot and brought home some pulled pork for breakfast.  Yeah!

My problem is the middle ground.  I'm instant.  I'm a knee jerker, if you will.  I don't have much patience and I don't care for it.  I like to talk it out or yell it out or whatever, until it is all out.  Things eat away at my insides and I know I will not find the "perfect words" to say whatever to whomever, so I just keep saying words until good ones come out that are as close to perfect as I'm gonna get.  I also understand that any relationship is a two way street and I need to have patience for others, but why is it all on me?  Why can't there be both?  I give you time and you don't take as much?  Now I've had to wait and you've had to come back sooner.  We both win.  It feels like it's always on me.  I always have to find the patience and no one has to ever hurry up and say it now for me.  It's not fair really.
Eh, whom I kidding, I'm gonna have a cigarette and try to sleep, so Ta Ta for now, and sweet dreams world!

Damn this laptop!!!

I was writing something just now and I accidently deleted it so now I have to start babbling all over again!  Okay, what do I want to say exactly anywho?...

I want to feel better and I think I'm on my way to that, but really, does it always have to seem so hard all the time?  This is annoying and frustrating!  I just want to enjoy myself and not stress out so much.  I hate feeling lonely and needy.  I'm independent and strong enough.  I don't need anyone or anything and yet... I constantly feel otherwise.  Well, not constantly, but often.  I would love for someone to make me feel special.

Okay, that's me being lazy.  I might as well go out in pajama pants...  Someone to make me feel special?!!? I can't do that myself?  I can't just know that I am and let that be enough?  I hate sharing and I'm fucking busy, so how would it work out with someone right now anyway?
Need a brake... Be right back...

Okay, I'm back but have nothing to say, so I'll try again tomorrow after the doctor.  Wish me luck, I might need surgery, but no worries just yet.

Shedding It All Off

I've decided to shed all that has been this past year, well, I guess I threw in the two years before that too.  Justin's gone, Eric's gone, and He's gone.  (Sorry, I don't mean God when I say "He", I just can't handle his name right now and don't feel like sharing that much.  We were never really together and he's not a big fan of attention.)  So, my point being, I have let it all go.  I've got to get it all out and all away from me cause it's been too much and I can't take it anymore.  I don't have to take it anymore.

I'm just in a new place, it's a new year and I am going to be 29 years old and I need to let the past be the past and move on and change and grow and... well, be myself more so than I ever have before.  I'm excited to meet myself.  She seems cool, I think I'll like her.  I think she's strong and interesting and attractive and smart and this should be fun.

I needed to shed this all.  I need to move forward and I needed drive and excitement to come back to me. I've been stuck and harping over things as usual.  It's something I do.  Well, now, I'm gonna try not to be her anymore.  I shaved it all off and left it on the floor.  If they're gonna make me feel like I was left there then that's where I'll leave them.  On the floor to sweep up and throw away!  That's all I got.  There's more going on but the words aren't there yet.  A lot of it is still with out words, no description, just a feeling and the feeling is good.  I think I'm gonna be okay.

I miss sleeping, don't you?

So, she thought to her self, she thought, "Self, this is it"  Here we are.  Right where we want to be and Her own response was, "Why doesn't it feel any better than?"  Good question.  Why does it still feel like it's not okay?  What more do you have to ask for?  Things are going not only as planned but probably better than expected.  And yet here she was, lighting another cigarette... There's only one more beer after this, you know.  Probably just leave it for later, next time you need a little something.

She was also wondering if the sage would help.  There have been a lot of nightmares lately and so she burned some sage to cleanse her room and self.  At least it makes the place smell nice.  Hope it chases this shit out of here too.  She knew it was mostly in her own head, all of these nightmares.  People attacking her, chasing her, and cutting her open.  It happens even more so when she has cramps.  They seem to take over the dreams and the pain gets acted out from real life into nightmare form.  Maybe the cramps will stay at bay tonight.  She could use a decent nights sleep.  It had been a while.  Weeks, I think.  It's either been tossing and turning, no sleep at all, nightmares, NyQuil or flu/fever induced, or just passing out after a long long night with drinking of course.  None of these are a good way for her to get some rest.  In fact, none of them actually involve resting.  It's just the illusion of resting but meanwhile the mind is still racing.  She could really use a brake.  So much all the time going over and over again in her head.  It's tiring just thinking about it.  But it's always the same story.  She gets tired.  She brushes her teeth.  She lays down almost already sleeping.  And then... the voices start...
Did you remember to do that thing?
Don't forget to bring that to class tomorrow.
You should get to Yoga.
You should do laundry.
Are you ever gonna get that website together?
You should have walked Tuesday.
I want another cigarette.
Make sure you do the dishes in the morning since you left them all there tonight.
Do you think he'll call?
Will it be tonight?
Should I turn off the ringer so he doesn't wake me up?
Am I ever gonna fall asleep in the first place?
You have a lot of reading to do.
You should clean your damn room!
Why am I thinking about him?
Does he still like me?
Does it even matter?
Do I really like him so much that I'm gonna harp over this shit?
No, really, does this matter?
Will that other guy call me?
Can I really be that upset about one if I'm also thinking of another?
Do I make any sense at all!?!
Why don't you just get up and do all that stuff you have to do if you're gonna just lie here and think about it all night instead of sleeping?
Shhhh, just get some sleep.  Worry about it later, tomorrow.
No, seriously, get some fucking sleep already!
My feet are freezing.
I need to take better care of myself.
I need to stop complaining about all of this shit and fix it.  
It wouldn't be so bad if I exercised and drank more water and took my pills.
Go to the doctor already.
You should have written this all down.   You're just gonna forget it all in the morning.
Who are you kidding?  The morning?  You'll be lucky if you get up before eleven.
Why do I keep sleeping so late?
Why can't I just get up an more?
Maybe cause you're not sleeping you idiot!
Okay, now you really need to pick one, GO TO SLEEP OR GET UP AND WORK!!!!!

Well, now I am tired, but I can guarantee that I'll go brush my teeth and lay down only to start the cycle again.  God Damn it!  I just want to sleep!!!!

It was either that or Benadryl

I thought I was fine, but as it turns out, not so much...

I can't sleep, so I drank some NyQuil.  I don't like to do that and don't do it often but I am not sure how else to get my brain to shut the fuck up.  It seems like the more I try to get it out the more worked up I get.  So, I can talk about it and write about it, but I will still need to talk or write about it, and I need to sleep!

On a similar subject, how is it that I can go so far on a subject inside my head, to over analyze something or someone to the point of insanity, when I even know that this is crazy and yet still can't stop.  Okay, I know that actually makes me sound more crazy, but seriously.  I know the thoughts in my head don't make sense and I know what's happening but I can't stop it.

For those of you at home, I am obsessing over a guy.  I guy that I am not involved with officially.  A guy the I don't even think I'm ready to be involved with but still a guy that I like and that hasn't talked to me in weeks.  I keep saying that I just want to know where I stand but I already do.  I'm now the girl that he isn't calling and might not call for a long time or ever.  I'm not as important right now, for whatever the reason.  He might be depressed or scared or moving on but what ever it is, it's not me.  So, why can't I sleep?  Why am I trying so hard to figure out what is going on?   Why do I give a shit!?!?

I need to relax and get over it.  I need to let it go.  We always want things to be clear and easy but things are almost never clear and easy.  Closure is something most never receive and I am not any exception.  This is just ridiculous.  I seem to have started a blog to vent at random strangers or people I know, even funnier, about mundane stupid, slightly crazy, shit!  Although, on a side note, I did not tell him about this blog.  I knew better when it got started.

Well, on that note, I will leave you with my babble and brush my teeth again and hope to not smoke another cigarette.  The last one I had didn't even taste that good.  Maybe I'll get some rest.  Granted, it might only be physical since it's gonna be induced by cold medicine and my mind will keep going anyway, but I settle for that for now.  I'm just so damn tired and hope to get things done tomorrow.  Thanks for listening, I guess, or reading, technically.

Truly Random Babble, or something

I'm not sure I can handle this.  You know, the whole "put yourself forward and work really hard and get a job in the field you love and make it" thing.  It's scary.  Really scary.  I can barely get the things on my "to do "list done and that's simple shit, groceries, laundry, put a shelf up.  Do you know how long it took me to put that shelf up?  Like 3 months!!

Okay, seriously, is this interesting enough to put out there.  Does anyone really want to hear how scared I am even though I'm doing it and I'll be fine and it's not a big deal?  Or it is a big deal and I'm too scared to admit to it?  I don't know, this whole writing to anonymous people thing is great, but I don't want to be another stupid blog site.
One more cigarette, that means I had eight today.  It could stay at seven, but I'm a little stressed and I'm not tired yet.  Both horrible excuses to smoke and yet here I am...

So, it's snowing, a lot.  I like the snow.  It's comforting almost.  I don't have any specific plans tomorrow so I should be able to enjoy it.  I want to take Tuesday to the park in this.  (Tuesday is the dog for those of you at home)  (Oh, and a super cute one at that)  Get to the grocery store, and buy a pair of black pants.  Obviously not at the grocery store, I have a different list for that.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy and excited and enjoying the new semester and going to start a new job and see more art on Thursday and met back up with an old friend and realized I will be fine, eventually, even if he never calls me again.  But part of me still suffers in a way.  Depression is funny that way.  Not so much Funny, Ha Ha, but more like huh.  It just makes things feel weird makes you feel weird.  I need to get over this shit, seriously.  For serious!!!

Okay, not the best post ever, but there it is and I can't keep going cause my battery is almost dead and I'm too lazy to get the cord.  Whatever, I'm too hard on myself all the time anyway.

Please keep giving me topics people.  I like to write about things and see where it ends up.  Any suggestions?

Flexible Babies and Cancer (but not at the same time)

It really is amazing how flexible babies can be.  Do they stretch inside the womb?  Are we just born able to reach our feet into our mouths and then the weight of the world tenses us up until we cant' even touch our toes?  How does that happen?  It's crazy, the way our bodies close down, which brings me to the cancer...

Also amazing in it's way of taking people down to nothing.  And that it can sometimes be a driving force.  When I had a scare, it made me want to live life more so, and when others have unfortunately left us due to cancer, it also made me want to live more so than I do now.  And sometimes it's an answer to something that hasn't made sense for years and makes you feel better because you now have an answer from all the tests and you're not as scared because they can get all of it and you now know that you're not crazy and there was something wrong and you just feel relief.  It's kind of hard to explain if you haven't struggled with physical shit for a long time.  But if you've had every doctors visit and test come back without a single answer, you start to freak out.  So, when they finally tell you it is cancer, you are almost happy, not because it's cancer, but because they now know what is wrong and can do something about it.

Other than that, I'm not sure what else to say.  I still haven't received a phone call and I might just have to call him to see if we're still even friends.  I'm not sure that's really possible but still. I need to know where I kind of stand.  Okay, seriously, you need to get over this shit.  You don't even want him as a permanent fixture in your life, right?  You don't want a relationship.  You don't need this shit right now, are you really that caught up in him?  I guess there is something or you wouldn't be this strung out in a way.  I know you're handling this quite well, but if you keep talking about it then there is more to it than you're admitting to yourself...

Whatever.  I've got school tomorrow.  Almost there.  Which I don't want to be.  Then I have to be serious and work hard.  School is my brake from real life, and when it's over, I'll have to be an adult and back at work.  I don't want to be back at work and struggling again.

Oh shit, I almost called him.  Fuck!  What is wrong with me?  and more so, what the fuck is wrong with him?!?!!?  Why hasn't he called me, just to say "hi" or to let me know he's back in the city or whatever.  Or, god forbid, that he missed me too!!!!!  Bastard!  I can't deal with this shit right now, I'm busy.  Tomorrow is a big day and it's one in the morning and I have to be in the west side by noon.  Genocide!  How exciting!  That's the first class  I have, and then Modern Reason.  Quite an exciting Monday.  We'll see.

Okay, seriously, this will hurt a little, a lot more than I would have expected.  Maybe he'll call anyway and I am totally over reacting.  I'm always over reacting.  Fuck.  I'm a sucker.  I'm a total sucker!  What am I thinking, what was I thinking?!?  Shit.  Nothing I can do now.  Smoke another cigarette and deal I guess.  Stone Temple Pilots is helping.

At least it's not Justin again.  Thank god for that.  That was scary.  Still is a little.  And it's been coming up in conversation a lot lately, which is fine, I guess, but I don't really want to relive that shit.  I also don't want to suddenly remember what worked out and start missing him either.  I can never go back, ever.  It was not me and he was never gonna let me be me.  With or without alcohol.
Okay, I'm all done I guess.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!

I'm bloated and a little crazy

For starters it doesn't help that I've been watching TV and eating salted nuts for two hours, but you gotta admit it.  We all are a little crazy.  I call her my "crazy girl".  You know, al those stupid thoughts that blow everything way out of proportion.  Our imaginations run wild.  I used to image amazing things like when I was a little girl riding in the car with my mom, I would imagine an entire herd of horses running along side us.  It was difficult for my mom considering I was constantly yelling out "Watch out!" due to her almost running some of them over.  but still, i would imagine these stallions running with us even if we were just going to the deli down the road to get cold cuts.

Now, well, now I imagine failing a test, or falling down the stairs, or being in the hospital, or a guy not calling me because he has found the love of his life in the past two days and no longer wants anything to do with me.  How is this possible!!??!  When did my imagination decide to turn on me?  When did hope leave and fear take its place.

Granted, it doesn't help when they guy follows the don't call for three days crap.  i don't think they understand what our minds are capable of in those three days.

That's who I call the "crazy girl".  It's the voice in the back of my head that makes up all this shit, and helps me overanalyze and look way to far into the future.  The crazy shit, like:  I need to know where we stand even though I don't want a relationship and I want to see other people and will tell you it's okay but I lose my mind every night I don't see you cause I think you're using those condoms on some other girl and she's better than me.  Or worse, she means nothing, which only means neither do I.

See, that's what I' m talking about.  Crazy!
I don't want to know, I don't care, I don't want you to love me and I certainly don't won't to be a girlfriend.  That's when the crazy girl gets seriously crazy.

So, here I am, bloated, lonely, smoking another cigarette, bored, and I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour either.  Even worse than that is if he calls, I'll tell him to come over.  I better stay strong, no entry after midnight.  He's got 16 minutes.  I should be safe from that, but can I keep it up at 2am?  I've got a lot of shit to do tomorrow, why do you think I'm not drinking?  Well, I am trying to take a brake, but I also know what position that puts me in.  I am the worst drunk dialer.  I'll keep calling till something happens.  It's not good, cause sometimes you call so many that you start dialing numbers you wouldn't believe and those are always the ones to answer.  It's a hole I plan to stop digging.

So, anyway, There are groceries, websites, cleaning, editing, emailing and god knows what else to do tomorrow.  On a side note, I can't believe there is only one "t" in "editing".  Shouldn't it be "editting" because of the sound the "i" makes?  English is so confusing.  You'd think learning another language for us would be easy considering how retarded ours is.  Like any other language would seem easy cause it made sense.  Oh well.  I guess that's it.  I guess I can vent more tomorrow, starting with why babies are so flexible and thank god it's cancer.

Dream Crusher

I vent better when someone else asks me to write about a "topic" rather than just trying to get whatever is in  out on to the paper.  So I asked my roommate to give me a topic and she chose the snow falling on the park, at which I replied, you mean the garden?  She told me I was crushing her dreams, hence, the title of today.
And, yes, it is snowing.  And, yes, the park or garden or whatever looks beautiful.  But it's still cold and muddy and slushy.  It's the kind of day that wants to make you curl up in bed and sleep through it all.  But I'm actually awake today and I sleep all the time, so the weather and I are at a stand still.  I wonder who will win.  Maybe it'll be me and I can finally get this web site together that I've talked about since last year. That'd be nice.
Okay, seriously, I'm losing it.  I've been single for almost a year and I'm happy about it, but there is someone I have been seeing and he hasn't called in weeks.  Did he move on?  Did he finally find a girl that isn't me?  Someone that fits into his little world without purple hair?  I'm not the kind you would find with a jock and I'm not the kind who stays home and out of the way.  I too like to go out with the guys and watch the game.  I like to be social and I am sick of being the "secret"  I was always the secret, the girl you call in the middle of the night to meet up with quietly.  The one who has nothing to do you your actual life.  Just something to kill the time until something else shows up and then you go off and marry her.  I'm the one who hands them off better than they came in.  Granted, I am drawn to the "fixer uppers" but once they're all better, that's it.
My dog is funny, she has to keep all the doors open in the house so that she can see everyone all the time.  And I can't believe I forgot the delivery price at IKEA.  I've got two roommates and they had some questions so there was a little bit of a interruption.  No worries.
Where was I...  Oh, yes, fuck em!  I am not going to be this secret tucked away in some dark 3am corner.  I am not going to sit by the phone and wait for him to let me know when he isn't busy with all his other friends.  I am going to be in charge of my life and my time.  I am going to go out and treat my self good and enjoy this time, while I'm single and loving the city and not let anyone else get in my way. I will have a love affair with this city.  I will let it take care of me.
Speaking of taking care of me, I should really eat something and take a shower.  And get this damn web site going.
If anyone is reading this, I ask a favor...  Ask me to write about something.  Give me a topic or and idea. A sound or a smell.  Something, and I'll write about it.

So...

I needed to write cause I can't sleep and I have too much in my head and I like writing.  Everyone has been talking about blogs for so long and I never even looked at one and I so here I am at 2 in the morning writing my first blog ever!  Exciting I guess.
But now for me to, well, let go i guess...

There is so much going on, all the time and I feel so overwhelmed and worried and tired.  I sleep all the time.  Can't get up.  What is going on with me?  Things are well, I'm doing great and yet, I'm numb, so fucking numb!  It's like I'm stuck.  I'm not as inspired as I remember or energetic or excited and social.  It's like I was in a depression and took medication and it's not working and only making me numb instead of feeling, or manic.  I don't know if you've ever had medication mess you up before, but if you have, you probably know how I feel.  It doesn't make any sense.  And I wish I had something better to write.  This seems boring to me.  I wouldn't want to sign on to some site and read this.  Oh, great, I found another site where someone is whining.  Get up!! Go outside you idiot!!!  Get over it, you fine!

Well, there you have it, I'm not sure if this is even making me feel better.  I think I'm getting more upset about having nothing to say...
Maybe I just wanted an excuse to bitch and smoke a cigarette without actually talking to anyone.  It's my first time, so don't judge me too much.   I'm just trying to get some sleep, which seems impossible unless it's 1 in the afternoon and I have a lot of shit to do.  Speaking of which, I should try to get some sleep so that I can attack my always overflowing "To Do" list in the morning.  Ha!  Morning, who am I kidding.  I'll start around noon and see how it goes from there.